The Rat Pack

The Fruits of My Research - The Rat Pack
A name given to a group of hard drinking, womanising, party-going entertainers in the 1960s. The group comprised Sammy Davis Jnr, Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. There is some dispute as to how the name originated. Some say that it comes from the British expression to “get rat arsed” (to drink excessively) while others claim that it comes from their means of getting into nightclubs for free by getting in through the drains.
The group fathered many children during their hell-raising days, some 417 of them got together in 1982 to form the “Brat Pack” to campaign for financial support from absent fathers.
Frank Sinatra, a singer, was nicknamed “’Ol Black Eyes” as a result of the violent reputation of some of his entourage.
Sammy Davis Jnr, another singer, was born Samuel Finkelstein Geronimo Pedersson Kowalski Ngombu Davis Jnr and could claim a truly multicultural heritage. In many ways he was the original one-man manufactured boy band. There was something there for everyone.
Dean Martin, a singer, actor and business tycoon, was perhaps the most interesting member of the group. His father was one of the co-founders of the Aston Martin sports car manufacturing company. Whilst claiming to be Italian, Dean was in fact about as Italian as bits of pineapple on “old pizza pie”. He was actually born in Guadalajara, Mexico. After making a fortune through singing, he opened a newsagent in London, England. Soon he had built up a chain of newsagents and tobacconists across the UK. He could often be seen on a Monday morning in a tuxedo, looking worse for wear selling Marlboro Lights and The Sun to builders on their way to work. His shops, Martins, can still be found at the cheaper ends of many UK high streets today.
This success led to him and British comedian Max Wall linking up to open a supermarket in the US. Wal-Mart opened its doors in Bentonville, Arkansas in 1974 and soon became the major retailer in the USA. In the early days it wasn’t unusual for Arkansas shoppers to see a clearly wrecked Deano struggling with the tills while Max Wall did his trademark funny walk whilst stacking the shelves. Happy times.

River Ralph

The Fruits of My Research - River Ralph
The sacred River Ralph runs through Xanadu in the classic song “Xanadu” by Canadian pop trio Rush. Samuel Taylor Coleridge later adapted the lyrics for the song into his poem “Kubla Khan”. Rush lyricist Neal Peart named the mythical river after his favourite character in Happy Days - Ralph Malph.

I should do your customer service…

In an attempt to help customers who have fallen foul of our phone system at work, I made some changes to the menu today. If you call us now, you get the following choices:
“Thank you for calling us, you are most valued. Truly you are. Press 1 for Finance, 2 for Sales, 3 for HR, 4 for Despatch.” Pressing 2, for example, leads to these choices, “You are through to Sales. Press 1 for Domestic orders, 2 for International orders, 3 for Internet orders, 4 for Postal orders or 5 for telephone orders”. Pressing any one of these buttons, it doesn’t matter which, they all do the same, leads to this message “You are through to Sales, press 1 to return to the main menu, press 2 to be redirected to The Samaritans.” I don’t reckon we’ll get any complaints now.

Mulligatawny

The Fruits of My Research - Mulligatawny

The reason why Mulligatawny did not make the list of 100 favourite soups could be that it is made from Tawny Owls. No amount of curry powder and cumin seeds will disguise that flavour.

New Zealand

The Fruits of My Research - New Zealand

New Zealand was first discovered by Captain Peter Jackson who arrived there from England on HMS Bounty in 1769. He it was who rejected the native name for the country; “Land of the Long White Cloud” as being too artistic and “girly” and replaced it with the more functional and inaccurate “New Zealand” after a flat piece of Denmark or Holland. He brought with him a rag bag of English, Welsh, Scottish and Hobbit settlers to exploit the new territory’s wealth.

Aboriginal people were discovered living there in the 1960s.

Agriculture is important to the economy. The major exports are butter, lamb and rugby league players.

In characteristically uncreative fashion, the country’s national fruit, animal and rugby team were named all given the same name, after the national fruit – the Ugli fruit.

Tourist visits to New Zealand have increased dramatically in recent years thanks to the abandonment of the “It’s the Wales of the Pacific” advertising campaign. The new adverts featuring the slogan “It’s good for your ‘elf” have attracted many fantasy fiction fans to the islands.

As a partner dance, the Haka , lacks the passion of Argentina’s Tango, the sensuality of Brazil’s Lambada or the sexual expressiveness of Cuba’s Salsa. This may explain why the birth rate in New Zealand is much lower than in these other countries.

One of the most popular, if easy-listening, musical sounds of recent years originated in New Zealand’s capital Hobart. “Crowded” House Music grew out the ashes of punk/ new wave band “Spizz Energi”. Under a number of guises, the Finn brothers (Dorsal and Tail) have had a string of climate-based hits; “Take the weather with you”, “Four seasons in one day” and “Why does it always rain in new Zealand?”

Famous New Zealanders
Chay Guevara, Dame Nelly Melba

Japan

The Fruits of My Research - Japan
Famous in the west for its healthy food, Japan was once a global superpower. The big corporations control everyday life in Japan. Even Japan’s most famous mountain, Mount Fuji, is named after its corporate sponsor, the camera to film conglomerate Fuji.
If a local tells you that Japan has “No Theatre”, don’t believe them. They are probably being modest as the country has a long and noble tradition of theatre.
It is one of only 3 countries to have a pop group named after it; the other two are America and the Rolling Estonians.
It is famous for its Geishas. A Geisha is spout of water gushing from a hot spring into a pool. It is said that time spent amongst Geishas can be very relaxing.
The locals live on a diet of Wasabi, a ferocious industrial cleaner (marketed in Europe under the brand name Cif) and Sushi, highly expensive miniscule portions of rice and seaweed with a vague hint of fish flavouring. This nutrient-rich low fat diet has given Japan the world’s lowest heart disease and obesity rate. One suspects that Sumo wrestlers do not stick rigidly to it.
Whaling, despite being condemned by the civilised world (i.e. the USA), is an immensely popular industry in Japan. Indeed top Japanese pop star Bob Marley often records with whalers to show solidarity.
Famous Japanese People:
Chairman Mao, Charlie Chan, Bruce Lee, Super Mario, Mr Walkman.

I should do your marketing…

I should do your marketing...The Amish people

The Amish people need a website. By not having one they are missing out on a great marketing and revenue generating opportunity. They could use it to chat with other Amish people outside Pennsylvania, download MP3 files of favourite hymns, send emails, share photos and videos and sell souvenirs and religious icons. Call me, I can help.

Canada

The Fruits of My Research - Canada
Famous throughout the world for its resolutely neutral stance towards culinary development, Canada has a rich, short and bloody history. Canadians have been involved in most major global conflicts since 1914. After fighting with great heroism in two World Wars, they now tend to adopt a more pragmatic approach. If there is a fight somewhere in the world, you can guarantee that Canadians will show up at some stage, usually when the worst of the fighting is over and “keep the peace.”
Canada was founded when French settlers invaded and after much fighting established a colony amongst what was left of the indigenous population. Guilt over this sordid chapter led to the capital being named Tonto, after a famous local “Native Canadian.” This mixture of French speaking Canadians and the native “injun” population gave rise to the name “Canajun” being used to describe the language, food and culture of the new nation. To this day the lakes are still called “bayou” and the national anthem is “Jambalay on the bayou” in memory of the Canajun tradition.
Canada has always lived in the shadow of its powerful and more prosperous neighbour, Alaska. Indeed, it only gained independence in 1988 after a long and bloody war against Alaska and its allies on Canada’s southern border. The fight for freedom was led by the charismatic Wayne Gretzky and a bunch of determined street fighters, the so- called “Edmonton Oilers”. They spent the best part of 10 years brawling their way around Canada’s neighbouring states fighting for independence. Eventually their struggle bore fruit and a deal was struck - in exchange for Gretzky and an end to the hostilities, Canada was free.
Whilst the country appears to be a largely peaceful state, it is interesting to note that neighbouring America still retains a vast nuclear deterrent.
Canada used to be the first choice destination for emigrating Britons fleeing the oppression of Margaret Thatcher’s dictatorship. Times have since changed significantly in Britain where the native population is now fleeing George W Bush’s puppet Tony Blair’s dictatorship for Australia where the weather is better and the language isn’t so tricky.
Canada’s national dishes are Moussaka (qv) and fillet gumbo. The national tree is the oak.
The national pastime is hockey, a “sport” that allows very gifted ice skaters the chance to beat the living daylights out of each other without judicial interference.
Famous Canadians
Charles De Gaulle, Eric Cantona, Pepe Le Peu, Greg Rusedski

Musical Expressions

The Fruits of My Research - Musical Expressions
Young musicians often get confused by the Italian expressions at the head of their sheet music that describe the tempo and tell them how to interpret the music. To help new students of music, here are some of the more common ones translated into English:
Andante – Hurry up and finish, the pasta is soft enough to eat now.
Piano – Shhh, we can’t hear the keyboards.
Pianissimo – SSHHHH, we can’t hear the keyboards at all, you heavy handed fool.
Presto – Play it as if you were a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

Boum!!

Charles Trenet

The world would be a better place if there were more airplay for the works of Charles Trenet. The French singer, songwriter and musician who died in 2001 left behind some of the most wonderful recordings of the last century.

At his peak in the 1930s, he wrote some songs that are still considered classics to this day. Had he been English or Amercian, I am sure that he would be considered alongside the most famous writers of his day. The likes of Cole Porter and Richard Rogers. It may be the fact that he was French that limited his appeal. The English speaking world doesn’t take too readily to entertainers that don’t speak the language.

His classics like “Douce France” conjure up images of a time long since gone. For older French people it must evoke many memories of a country now completely changed. For me the songs are full of wonderful images, pathos, humour and optimism. He was able to produce comedy as in “Le Jardin Extraordinaire” with its English-speaking ducks and sheer joy in “Boum!!” The sadness and the memories of love long-lost in “Que reste-t-il” are heartbreaking.

It is Trenet’s deftness and gentle touch that is so remarkable about his songs. When he sings “La Mer” the song bounces along with a lightness and feel that captivates. When someone like Robbie Williams gets hold of it, the thing is bludgeoned to death, all traces of charm left in the gutter to die.There is a good Flash animation of La Mer at www.charles-trenet.com Click on the link beside the seagull picture to start it.

Napoleon Bonaparte

The Fruits Of My Research - Napoleon Bonaparte
Revolutionary French travel writer of the early 19th Century. His arrogant attitude and insulting comments on other nations made him hugely popular in his home country, but reviled abroad (a little like PJ O’Rourke is today). Such was his acid tongue that his publisher, Karl Baedeker, would occasionally and deliberately mis-translate his words when producing editions of his books in languages other than the original French.
Bibliography:
Merde, il fait froid a Moscou, (From Russia with Gloves, in English) , Merde if fait chaud en Espagne (Spain: The Final Frontier), Merde il fait vachement chaud en Eqypt (Nile be Seein’ ya again), Merde la Prussie est merde (Prussian Roulette), Merde, les Autrichiens sont stupides (Vienna means nothing to me) and his last book Merde, Je déteste les rosbifs ( Waterloo Sunset)

Italy

The Fruits of My Research - Italy
Famous throughout the world for its takeaway food, Italy has a rich and proud history. Its culinary reputation is of the highest order. This derives from a strong tradition of farmers and artisans creating regional delicacies of a diversity that other countries can only envy. The range is vast from dough and tomato dishes in the south, to dumpling and tomato dishes in the north, pasta and tomato dishes in the west and meat and tomato dishes in the centre.
The capital of Italy is Rome, famous for its noses. Contrary to popular belief, it was built in just under a day – 23 hours, 56 minutes and 14 seconds to be precise. It was built in 753bc by two builders, Romulus and Remus, who had been trained by wolves. Sadly, as the city grew wolf building techniques became forgotten, leading to the long delays and high costs so prevalent in the modern construction industry. The language of ancient Rome was Latino, which is still spoken in many parts of the United States today.
After the fall of the Roman empire, Italy fragmented in many city states. It wasn’t until 1848 that the revolutionary leader Custardo Di Creama led a revolution and unified all these states to form modern Italy. In his honour, they named a biscuit after him.
An economic depression at the start of the 20th century led to a mass emigration to the United States, Australia, Argentina and Swansea in South Wales. The capital was moved to New York and only one family, the Mussolinis, was left behind. Young Benito proved to very adept at running the family’s one train on time and so his mother made him head of state.
The discovery of tomatoes in a mine near Genoa in 1942 led to a mass return of the Italian people and the overthrow of the Mussolinis. British, American and German troops all invaded Italy, trying to take control of this lucrative commodity. The peak of the “Tomato Rush” was in ’49 when Clementine, the daughter or a tomato miner, became Queen.
Famous Italians:
Placido Domingo, Sylvester Stallone, Dean Martin, King Juan Carlos

I should do your marketing

There is a local man with a small vineyard who produces and sells his own wines. They are acceptable enough, if not brilliant and he doesn’t sell vast quantities. His wine is named after the vineyard; “Ashpits”. Looking at one of his bottles yesterday it occurred to me that if he’d let me do his marketing I would immediately rebrand it as “Bob Smith’s Happy Juice”. It wouldn’t improve the wine, but I’m sure the bottles would fly off the shelves.
I may go into marketing.

Moussaka

The Fruits of My Research - Moussaka
Moussaka is the national dish of Canada. As the name suggests, it is made from minced moose meat, eggplant (the British call it courgette), tomatoes, cheese, donuts, back bacon, beer and, curiously, Greek Yoghurt. When baked in an oven it produces a rich, heavy comfort food loved by Canadians in their long, cold winters. The dish is sold across the world, although food-labelling regulations in Europe have kept sales low. European consumers are said to be put off by labelling that says “may contain traces of moose”. In Greece, the local manufacturer has replaced moose meat with lamb. Although it makes a passable substitute, it tastes very different from the authentic Moussaka produced in Canadian homes.

Mars

The Fruits of My Research - Mars
Mars is getting closer to earth. Scientists believe that this is due to its orbiting pattern. The truth however is that Mars, like the other planets, is on some galactic theme park queuing system. It will get to within 10 minutes of earth then be whisked off into space in another loop to approach Earth again and again without ever getting here. This is how planets work. The reason these things take an awful long time is that real estate prices are much lower in space than on earth, thus putting less pressure on galactic theme park owners to pack more attractions into each square mile. Put simply, there is more space in space (clue in the name). Why do asteroids hit earth? Simply because they are the white track-suited teenagers of outer space and don’t see the need to follow the lanes around and around. In the theme park that is outer space, comets are the children’s entertainers who keep the queues of planets and their little moons and satellites amused as they wait endlessly to get to Earth

Trees

The Fruits of My Research - Trees
Following on from the discovery that birds aren’t free, I have been researching trees. Incredibly, I have learnt that no acorn can germinate, no Sakura can blossom or apple tree fruit without permission from the person in charge of trees at FIA (Féderation Intérnationale des Arbres). Far from being free to grow in forests, woods, parks or little pots in Japan, trees are strictly regulated. Just like the birds in yesterday’s posting, trees are at the mercy of the exploitative leaders they elected. The Heads of Trees currently under investigation are; Woody Woodpecker in the US, Basildon Bond in the UK and Mme Hachette in France. All of them are suspected of making substantial personal gain from abusing their positions in control of all the trees in their countries. The fact that they were all democratically elected leads to only one conclusion – trees are pretty poor judges of character. Thank heavens humans are much smarter.
Famous Trees
Yggdrasil (qv), Treebeard, Tea, Gum,

Birds

The Fruits Of My Research - Birds
All is not well in the world of birds. To the untrained eye, birds are free to do as they please in nature. The reality is somewhat different. Birds are in fact strictly regulated. No bird can breed, migrate, nest or deliver human babies without express permission from FIB (the “Federation Internationale des Oiseaux”). This regulatory body controls all aspect of avian life. It has just elected British naturalist Bill Oddie to serve as CEO at its global headquarters in Alcatraz. He is effectively in charge of birds worldwide. His first job will be to sort out allegations of improper practice against three heads of national bird federations. Colonel Sanders in the US, Bernard Matthews in the UK and Gerard Bourgoin in France all face charges of abusing their positions of power for personal gain. All 3 deny the allegations but the bird world aren’t happy and want action. "Words are cheap, action is better" said one protester.
Famous Birds
Tweety Pie, Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Big Bird, Sam the Eagle

The Renaissance

The Fruits of My Research - The Renaissance
A French word meaning; “Tell you what, let’s just loll about in our palaces looking at paintings and pay the Swiss to do all the fighting”.

The Goths

The Fruits of My Research - The Goths
Despite a reputation as barbarians, the Goths were a remarkably civilised people. In the 5th century they split into two groups. The Visigoths, led by Alaric, sacked Rome in 410 AD. The Ostrogoths freed themselves from Hun rule at the Battle of Nadeo in 454 AD. They are now reunited under Marilyn Manson and live peacefully on housing estates across Europe and North America.

France

The Fruits of My Research - France
Famous throughout the world for its culinary skills, France has a rich and proud history. This is the country that led the world with Haute Cuisine (“high class cookery”) and Nouvelle Cuisine (“novelty cookery”). Since those heady days, it has been somewhat overtaken by the fast food revolution. The irony of the French being overthrown by a revolution is not lost on young French entrepreneurs. They are attempting to beat the Americans at their own game with a massive expansion of new French fast food outlets across the USA. So far the signs are not encouraging. Bouillabaisse-U-Like is suffering slow sales growth due to consumer resistance to the paper bags their meals are served in, McMoules are experiencing similar problems. Cultural differences are blamed for consumers, especially teenage boys, not taking Coq au Van and Pot-au-feu King seriously.

Away from the kitchen, France is famous in many other areas of life. In sport there is the famous cycle race; La Chasse de France – where 200 athletes pump themselves full of nandrolone and cycle round France in pursuit of Lance Armstrong. Wimbledon Men’s Champion Amelie Mauresmo is French.

In cinema, France has given us François Truffe, Emanuelle Béard, Daniel Autaeioul (note for trivia fans - the only man to have every English vowel in his name, in the correct order) and at the summit of world cinema, the great Gérard Dépardieu, most notable for his role in 102 Dalmations.
In pop music, France gave the world Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin. The world was so disgusted by what they heard that they gave them back.
The English language has borrowed many words and phrases from French. Expressions like Rendez-vous, déja-vu, garlic and déja-vu have all been absorbed from this great language. It is the language spoken by literary greats like Zola, Flaubert, Goscinny and Uderzo. It is the language of the great romantics like the Marquis de Sade. It is the mother tongue of great thinkers like Rodin and great sculptors such as Descartes. "Ah, c’est wunderbar", as a native of Alsace would say.

Famous French People:
Hergé, Lucky Luke, Pierre Trudeau, Geddy Lee, Roger Federer

What I like about....

What I like about Francis Strand's blog is laid back writing style. I have always fancied spending some time in Sweden and have learnt a little of the language. My knowldege of Swedish can get me through the football match reports, but can't pick up on the nuances and attitudes of everyday life. Reading Francis' blog gives an English language view of what it is like to live in Stockholm and work with the Swedes. He also has the benefit of being able to get out and do more interesting things than the average person, so the posts are lively too. You also get to learn one word of Swedish a day too! Here's my word for the day - Storartat - Superb.

What I like about Jeff Laitila's blog is the fact that it is just so damn good. Here is a guy who lives and works in Japan, takes absolutely wonderful photographs that capture the essence of everyday life in a fascinating country. The blog is in English and he talks about all manner of things that we just don't see in Europe. His pictures make excellent wallpapers, the plum blossom background being especially good.

What I ilke about Merle's blog is that she reminds me of so many of the ladies I meet around here. She is funny, wise, caring and happy to share her joy of living with those around her. Reading her blog is an uplifting experience. She is what getting older should be about - a time to share the good stuff you've learnt in life with those around you.

What I like about Jen's blog is reading about a woman who doesn't have it easy but is fighting her way through it. I can identify with the struggles and enjoy hearing about her little victories. I want to see her come out the other side.

What I like about Chef Mark Tafoya's blog is the way he communicates his love of food and cookery. The podcasts are great little gems, they are always interesting and lively. He gets to meet good people who give interviews that are worth listening to. He cares about the producers of food, the cooks,the consumers and the quality of the food.

In a similar vein to Merle's blog is bodysoulandspirit. What I like about this is that it is a glimpse in to the life of an extended family that is like the sort of family you would like to have for yourself. The important things in life - family, food and friends - the three "Fs" are all important here by the cartload.

Manchester United

The Fruits of My Research - Manchester United

A global brand with a multi-million dollar turnover, part of the Miami Gators franchise. Operations include retail, merchandising, television, catering, leisurewear, credit cards, image rights and curiously, a football team. The business was taken over by American billionaire Paul Michael Glaser in 2005. Glaser, who rose to fame as the co-star of 70s TV cop show “Cagney and Lacey”, borrowed millions to take over MU. He borrowed so much money in fact, that if he was to lose interest in the operation, each customer is said to owe Chase Manhattan Bank $452.73.
MU have maintained a position of market leader for a number of years due to their high media profile. Headlines such as “Cantona attacks fan”, “Keane attacks dog walker”, “Ferguson attacks Van Nistelrooy”, “Ferdinand misses drugs test”, “Rooney misses brain”, have all served to keep the name in front of consumers. The customers don’t seem able to get enough of the brand and its merchandise.
Media exposure is vital to business growth. Marketing Director Bob Quickbuck says “Of course it helps sales to have good looking young guys like Gary Neville wearing your clothes on global TV all the time”.
The retail side is booming, thanks mainly to careful stock management. The major fashion retailers like to change their stock at least once a season and the more successful ones do it every month. At MU, they change shirt designs every two weeks and rotate their stocks of unsold garments around their stores across the world.
Psychologist Ken “Tucky” Freud puts their success down to insecurity; “Research has shown that insecure, stupid or nervous people benefit tremendously from being associated with a successful brand or image, such as Manchester United”.
The number of stupid people in the world is expected to grow by 458% in the next 20 years and they will form the bedrock of MU’s strategy. The future looks bright for Glaser and his investment.

Foreman, George

The Fruits of My Research - Foreman, George

Foreman is the only former music hall act ever to be crowned World Heavyweight Boxing Champion.
His early career saw him touring northern English theatres playing his ukulele way down on the bill in front of rowdy mill workers who were impatient to see the major stars of the day like Arthur Askey and Vera Lynn. “If you can survive on stage in Rochdale on a wet Friday night, you’ve nowt to fear from Sonny Liston” he once quipped.
It was to be his quipping and his sense of fun that led him to his second career – boxing. Not everybody shared his sense of humour and Foreman often got into fights. Seeing him in action one night at the stage door of the Alhambra Theatre in Bradford “settling an argument” about Mr Wu’s new job, a friend suggested he challenge Muhammad Ali for the vacant World Heavyweight title.
At this early stage of his career Ali was still honing his technique. His experimental “float like a butterfly, cling like a leech” style led to the 1974 bout in Kinshasa being described as the “fumble in the jungle”, due to the lack of punches being thrown.
The public however wanted to see more and 3 epic, if somewhat anti-climactic rematches followed throughout the 70s. Despite the public interest, the boxing press were scathing in their criticism, calling the bouts “The Snooze in Syracuse”, “The Slee-ep in Dieppe” and the “Coma in Roma”. Having secured the title in the final contest, Foreman quit boxing, at the peak of his second career.
Initially he tried to make a living cleaning windows but one day fell off his blinkin’ ladder trying to get to the top.
During his rehabilitation he chanced upon the idea of grilling meat in a box, as you do. Further experiments led to him inventing his famous “Boxer’s Broiler Box”. He sold his first few models to family and friends. Within a year he had made 2,000 units on his own, by hand, in his shed, on crutches, from bits of old Breville sandwich toasters and Buick body panels. Soon he was to be the world’s foremost manufacturer of Broiler Boxes with 87% market share in the US alone. He needed help and so teamed up with his old friend, George Remington. Together they take turns, working alternate days in Foreman’s shed making the boxes for export throughout the world.

I want to look "alluring"

I’m not a handsome man so I asked a plastic surgeon if he could do something to make me look “alluring”. He said he could, but it would be a major undertaking and would cost €100,000.

When I explained that my budget was about €5, he said he could only manage to make me look “enigmatic” for that amount. I accepted his quote and within seconds, he’d shaved my eyebrows off so that I looked enigmatic, just like the Mona Lisa.