Chillax?

Tense? Nervous?Trying to chillax but can't?

Then you need to take a Chillaxative, my friend.



(It is probably the best thing you can take if you are the sort of person who uses the word "chillax" in everyday conversation).

The Perils of Online Dating

"I saw by the light of the silvery moon,
the meacing glint of her shiny harpoon"

Perhaps her online name of "Captain Ahab" should have been a clue.
Perhaps my nom-de-plume of "Moby Dick" was a mistake.
Maybe agreeing to meet down by the harbour was a bad idea.

Christmas Records I couldn’t secure finance for #36

Not disheartened by the rebuffs on Bid # 35, it was back to the drawing board to compose a carol for people who are interested in cats. Here is the result, and I think you will agree, it has enough about it to secure a phone call from Justin Bieber’s agent, methinks. Or maybe Paloma Faith’s agent, she has the kind of voice that can and does turn any half-baked idea into a great sounding song.

“Good King Wencelas looked out
At the cat sh* in his garden,
All the mice lay round about
Dead, crisp and half eaten
Brightly shone his gun that night,
Though his face was cru-el
When a moggy came in sight,
He let it have both ba- rr-els”.

Christmas Records I couldn’t secure finance for #35

Everyone likes dogs* and everyone likes Christmas**, so how could the music companies not want to pay for studio time to record this gem? It is no wonder the record business is going down the pan when the entrepreneurial spirit has been killed in favour of safe acts who will sell shedloads of units. Is this noticeably inferior to Adelle’s “Skyfall”?

“Woof, woof, merrily on high,
In heaven the dogs are barking,
Yap, Yap, merrily the sky
Is filled with wullufs howling
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwwwww
The wolves all want their dinner”

*Admittedly, a large percentage of people may prefer cats
**Also admittedly, Christmas is not a big festival in large parts of the Middle East and Asia

Lentils

Looking back, the months I spent working in the lentil processing factory were the only times in my life when I had my finger on the pulse.

Songs with dodgy lyrics

"Lipstick on your collie told a tale on you, Lipstick on your collie, said you'd been untrue" Leave him, dearie, he's not good enough for you.

iSuppose

APPLE and BLACKBERRY - cool technology, great as a crumble.
RHUBARB - delicious in a crumble, seriously bad as a mobile phone.
(Mind you, it still has better coverage than Vodafone).

Failed TV Pilots #27 - Reckless and Feckless

Reckless and Feckless – retro ‘tec thriller Despite having all the essential ingredients for a successful detective series, Reckless and Feckless only got as far as one poorly received pilot programme. The show, named after the two main characters, featured a pair of detectives – one of them a maverick, the other a supposedly bumbling fool. It was set in the 70s to give it some bang-up-to date retro chic which also had the advantage of allowing the script writers to get away with large amounts of swearing. Bob Reckless’ eating disorder and Bob Feckless’ shock of red hair gave them an opportunity to be incredibly offensive whilst retaining “period authenticity” about the only two characteristics about which it is still deemed acceptable to be unacceptably insulting. It was set in a glamorous Police department (in this case – forensic accounts) and shot in exotic offshore tax haven locations (the pilot was partly filmed on the Isle of Man). The pair’s 1967 Hillman Imp ticks the box for the distinctive ride, or what media types call an "iconic" car, that all the top TV detectives have. There was no obvious female love interest story line, the inference being that the couple were married to the job, or maybe there was some lingering underlying mutual desire, a fact which is hinted at occasionally through the pilot. Wast it a bromance or something more? The soundtrack too, ticked all the relevant retro boxes. Featuring artists like Bowie, T Rex, Captain Beefheart and The Wurzels it roots the audience firmly in the newly hip 1970s. Problems surfaced with the ending of the pilot which saw the duo gunned down whilst investigating VAT fraud in downtown Douglas, IOM. In a shambolic and poorly planned raid, they burst in on an armed gang sharing out bullion. They die in a hail of gunfire after exchanging some typical dialogue: Bob Reckless: “Where’s my f***ing gun, you ginger c***?” Bob Feckless: “What f***ing gun? We’re accountants not the SAS, you dozy fat b****? I’ve got a slide rule somewhere” Hoodlum 1: “Let ‘em have it, Knuckles” Cue slow motion slaughter scene. TV executives cited the death of the two main characters as being principal reasons, amongst a whole host of other ones, as to why the show will not go into production. Frustrated producers have been quoted as saying “what’s good for Taggart’s goose is not good for our gander”. The audience feedback was that they really liked the gratuitous swearing, enjoyed the extreme violence at the end, were happy with the implied homosexuality but were turned off by the explicit accountancy scenes.

The butterfly - a peom

I wish I was a butterfly
But not just any butterfly
Not a larva
Not a pupa
But a complete
and utter butterfly

The moth - a peom

I wish I was a moth
But not just any moth
A big moth
A huge moth
A bloody great behemoth

Failed TV PIlots #23- Dalek Masterchef

Dalek Masterchef:

Mr Dalek, what's the best way to prepare chicken?
"Marinate, marinate"
And your favourite way to preserve coconut?
"Dessicate, dessicate"
And what should we do with the two pompous presenters on the show?
"Exterminate, exterminate"