iSuppose

APPLE and BLACKBERRY - cool technology, great as a crumble.
RHUBARB - delicious in a crumble, seriously bad as a mobile phone.
(Mind you, it still has better coverage than Vodafone).

Failed TV Pilots #27 - Reckless and Feckless

Reckless and Feckless – retro ‘tec thriller Despite having all the essential ingredients for a successful detective series, Reckless and Feckless only got as far as one poorly received pilot programme. The show, named after the two main characters, featured a pair of detectives – one of them a maverick, the other a supposedly bumbling fool. It was set in the 70s to give it some bang-up-to date retro chic which also had the advantage of allowing the script writers to get away with large amounts of swearing. Bob Reckless’ eating disorder and Bob Feckless’ shock of red hair gave them an opportunity to be incredibly offensive whilst retaining “period authenticity” about the only two characteristics about which it is still deemed acceptable to be unacceptably insulting. It was set in a glamorous Police department (in this case – forensic accounts) and shot in exotic offshore tax haven locations (the pilot was partly filmed on the Isle of Man). The pair’s 1967 Hillman Imp ticks the box for the distinctive ride, or what media types call an "iconic" car, that all the top TV detectives have. There was no obvious female love interest story line, the inference being that the couple were married to the job, or maybe there was some lingering underlying mutual desire, a fact which is hinted at occasionally through the pilot. Wast it a bromance or something more? The soundtrack too, ticked all the relevant retro boxes. Featuring artists like Bowie, T Rex, Captain Beefheart and The Wurzels it roots the audience firmly in the newly hip 1970s. Problems surfaced with the ending of the pilot which saw the duo gunned down whilst investigating VAT fraud in downtown Douglas, IOM. In a shambolic and poorly planned raid, they burst in on an armed gang sharing out bullion. They die in a hail of gunfire after exchanging some typical dialogue: Bob Reckless: “Where’s my f***ing gun, you ginger c***?” Bob Feckless: “What f***ing gun? We’re accountants not the SAS, you dozy fat b****? I’ve got a slide rule somewhere” Hoodlum 1: “Let ‘em have it, Knuckles” Cue slow motion slaughter scene. TV executives cited the death of the two main characters as being principal reasons, amongst a whole host of other ones, as to why the show will not go into production. Frustrated producers have been quoted as saying “what’s good for Taggart’s goose is not good for our gander”. The audience feedback was that they really liked the gratuitous swearing, enjoyed the extreme violence at the end, were happy with the implied homosexuality but were turned off by the explicit accountancy scenes.

The butterfly - a peom

I wish I was a butterfly
But not just any butterfly
Not a larva
Not a pupa
But a complete
and utter butterfly

The moth - a peom

I wish I was a moth
But not just any moth
A big moth
A huge moth
A bloody great behemoth

Failed TV PIlots #23- Dalek Masterchef

Dalek Masterchef:

Mr Dalek, what's the best way to prepare chicken?
"Marinate, marinate"
And your favourite way to preserve coconut?
"Dessicate, dessicate"
And what should we do with the two pompous presenters on the show?
"Exterminate, exterminate"

Is Essex the only way?

The success, at least in the UK, on a minor channel sort of way of the reality TV programme THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX has led to that county being catapulted into the unlikely role of most fashionable place in Britain. In an attempt to cash in on this and knowing that film and TV companies are devoid of new ideas, a whole raft of possible big screen ideas have been pitched to the major studios and stations. If one of them bites, we could make the big time. Would you pay cash to go and see a film with an intriguing title like:
Thurrockly Modern Millie
Basildon the Great Mouse Detective
The Grays Escape
Lock, Stock (near Billericay) and Two Smoking Barrels
The Mountnessing Candidate
Dial M for Maldon
Once Upon a Time in West Mersea
Pulp Frinton
Epping Forest Gump
Butch Canvey and the Sundance Kid
I know I would. Maybe.

Two types of nurses

Watching a group of nurses demolish a heavily laden buffet provided by a pharmaceutical company for a meeting, it made me realise that there are probably only two types of nurses - the quick and the hungry.

Bumper Stickers of our time

This sticker should appear on more vans:

Krill Oil - the facts

Krill oil is the future. Forget Cod Liver Oil, your joints will be a million times more supple if you supplement your diet with Krill Oil.
The evidence is overwhelming.
Take Americans for example. Their diet consists, as far as we can tell from TV, of beef steak or burgers washed down with coca cola (Pomegranate, Guava, Quercetin and Papaya smoothies in California or “cwaffee” in New York). In 2005, there were 500,000 knee replacements in the US, due to people living longer and rising obesity levels.
Now look at Sperm Whales. Their diet consists of Krill washed down with sea water, as everyone knows. In 2005, none of them had a knee replacement in the US. Cynics may argue that American healthcare insurers don’t offer policies to aquatic mammals, but the figures don’t lie. Sperm Whales would be the first to admit that they have weight issues and since the ban on commercial whaling, many are living longer and yet they don’t have joint problems.

Childhood Food Memories

In this month’s Woman & Home “Christmas Feel Good Food” magazine, celebrity chef Gennaro Contaldo reminisces about his childhood food memories. “Risotto alla marinara con verdure. I dedicate this recipe to the Giardiniello Restaurant in my home village of Minori (on the Amalfi Coast) which has been making this beautiful dish since it opened in 1955. When I make it, I’m reminded of those summer evenings when, as a little boy, my mother would take me to enjoy a late-night supper cooked by Nunziata, the owner and chef”.
In twenty years time, will the food memory read "Fried chicken". I dedicate this recipe to the Chick ‘n’ Chip takeaway van on the A2 near Dover which has been making this tasty snack since it opened in 2009 (apart from a six month gap after a failed food hygiene inspection). It reminded me of summer evenings, when me and my mates would hang around in the layby eating chicken and chips before throwing the wrappers in the ditch. Happy days”

Book Review: Summer Reading #2

“Small Gardens” by Mongtomery Dee
The latest book by the TV presenter with the crumpled suit, crumpled face and crumpled hair will delight anyone seeking inspiration for improving their own small garden. Lavishly illustrated with pictures taken on his own estate, Dee’s book is full of time-saving ideas; “get your butler to do it” and cost saving ideas; “get a TV company to pay for it”. He shows that any small garden be transformed into a beautiful living space by anyone from the humblest Baronet to the richest investment banker.