Obituary: Paxman Heliotrope

Paxman Heliotrope died yesterday at the age of 947. He had been unwell for some time and passed away in strange circumstances at St Cuthbert’s Church, Whitby.

Heliotrope arrived in Britain from his native Transylvania in 1248 fleeing from persecution in the mountain kingdom in what is now Romania. Before his retirement in 1732, he ran a very successful topsoil import/ export business.

A gregarious socialite who enjoyed the nightlife of his adopted country, he attended many black tie events down the years.

A well known breeder and collector of bats, he often gave talks to winter meetings of the WI and the Townswomen’s Guilds. He was credited with introducing a number of rare and some say, dangerous breeds into the UK.

In later years he volunteered as a courier for the blood transfusion service. His position was terminated in 1996 after an internal audit discovered a number of missing consignments. Investigations were inconclusive, but Heliotrope was dismissed after failing to attend a disciplinary hearing at midday on August 15. He was said to have become depressed after this and was rarely seen at his old haunts.

Friends recall that he had been increasingly worried over the British Government’s plans to clampdown on workers from Bulgaria and Romania after those countries’ accession to the EU in January 2007. As he had been in the country without a work permit since 1248, he had become increasingly fearful of deportation.

He died while hastily trying to flee from a “decorate your mirror with a frame of garlic and mini silver crucifixes” event which he had walked in to at St Cuthberts’ church. Friends said that he had been in the crypt taking brass rubbings and had probably lost track of time. Upon emerging he didn’t want to disturb the brownies and so tried to creep out, unfortunately slipping and falling on a silver spike by the rood screen in the process.

He leaves behind 128 nieces.