Celebrity Psychopath Cross Training

Controversy once more surrounds Flad Baddery, the legendary TV producer, after plans for his new reality TV series were today leaked to the media. Condemnation is expected to flood in from all sides over his intended new series “Celebrity Psychopath Cross Training” in which a well-known celebrity and a convicted murderer will change places for a month and train each other in their respective disciplines. The programme will be advertised with the tagline “Like Strictly Come Dancing – with an edge”

The convict lined up for the programme has been named as Boris Putzneschko, “The Vladivostok Vampire,” currently in prison in Russia for knifing 17 vagrants to death in the disused railway sheds of Vladivostok. He will be freed and will spend two intensive weeks showing a celebrity from the UK how to murder tramps. At the end of this period it is planned for the celebrity to kill a hobo, live on TV.

So far, no celebrities have signed up for the show, Teri Hatcher having pulled out of negotiations when the Desperate Housewives role came up. Insiders have however revealed that a well known British politician is said to be interested. A source told me “when his current position in the government comes to an end in the next few months, our politician is very keen to take part. He initially had ethical reservations to the concept of the programme but was persuaded that it would be a good way to highlight the plight of homeless Russians and earn US$250,000 tax free and a fortnight in Daryl Hall’s New York penthouse apartment for two weeks work”.

After this, the programme will switch to the US where the politician is expected to undertake a lecture tour of universities. Baddery is planning to give Putzneschko two weeks to be taught public speaking by the former politician and at the end of that period to deliver a lecture to invited guests at Harvard Business school. Putzneschko too had ethical reservations to the concept of the programme but was persuaded that it would be a good way to highlight the plight of jobless former British Prime Ministers and earn US$250,000 tax free and a fortnight in John Oates’ New York penthouse apartment for two weeks work”.

Brazil Nuts - A poem

I don't eat Brazil Nuts,
Brazil Nuts don't eat me.
It's an arrangement that works
Satisfactorily.

I don't eat wild tigers,
Wild tigers don't eat me.
It's an arrangement that works,
Obviously.

Obituary: Paxman Heliotrope

Paxman Heliotrope died yesterday at the age of 947. He had been unwell for some time and passed away in strange circumstances at St Cuthbert’s Church, Whitby.

Heliotrope arrived in Britain from his native Transylvania in 1248 fleeing from persecution in the mountain kingdom in what is now Romania. Before his retirement in 1732, he ran a very successful topsoil import/ export business.

A gregarious socialite who enjoyed the nightlife of his adopted country, he attended many black tie events down the years.

A well known breeder and collector of bats, he often gave talks to winter meetings of the WI and the Townswomen’s Guilds. He was credited with introducing a number of rare and some say, dangerous breeds into the UK.

In later years he volunteered as a courier for the blood transfusion service. His position was terminated in 1996 after an internal audit discovered a number of missing consignments. Investigations were inconclusive, but Heliotrope was dismissed after failing to attend a disciplinary hearing at midday on August 15. He was said to have become depressed after this and was rarely seen at his old haunts.

Friends recall that he had been increasingly worried over the British Government’s plans to clampdown on workers from Bulgaria and Romania after those countries’ accession to the EU in January 2007. As he had been in the country without a work permit since 1248, he had become increasingly fearful of deportation.

He died while hastily trying to flee from a “decorate your mirror with a frame of garlic and mini silver crucifixes” event which he had walked in to at St Cuthberts’ church. Friends said that he had been in the crypt taking brass rubbings and had probably lost track of time. Upon emerging he didn’t want to disturb the brownies and so tried to creep out, unfortunately slipping and falling on a silver spike by the rood screen in the process.

He leaves behind 128 nieces.

New Year's Resolutions

Here are my New Year's resolutions:

To write my resolutions down on time next year.
To fight for world peace.
To support a winning sports team for once in my life (I have applied for Australian citizenship).
To drink less than my bodyweight in tea at least one day a week.
To be kind to small animals. With the exception of possums in New Zealand. It’s OK to kill them.
To only play my guitar with headphones on the amplifier. I like Bill and Ted’s Wyld Stallyns, the neighbours don’t.
To not watch any Big Brother or BB spin off programmes as it only makes me cross and use language that is inappropriate in an educated man.
To find a beat in music that I am dancing to, and once found, to try and move in time to it. My old excuse that Yorkshiremen are descended from Cubans has been rumbled by the other people at my dance club.
Or is that "rumba’d"?
To not try comic wordplay, I'm no good at it and it isn't funny.

Shameless Greed

Somebody needs to expose the shameless greed and double standards of the Roman Catholic Church in Britain. There are four million starving people in the Sudan who get to share a two word name “famine victims” between them. In the UK, the head of the Roman Catholic Church has a whopping six names all to himself. As Sir Bob Geldof may have said to him “The Archbishop of Westminster, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor, give us yer f***king names……....father.”

Sledging

There comes a point when sledging can go too far. For those unfamiliar with the art of "sledging" it is a term used to describe the abuse that fielding cricketers give to batsmen to put them off their game. "We've all slept with your mother, and she wasn't up to much" being the sort of thing that gets said.
Shane Warne, the great Australian bowler was repeatedly telling England fringe player Paul Collingwood that he was an embarrasment for getting an MBE from the Queen for playing one game against Australia last summer. This is a fair point and was proven to be true when Collingwood flopped again.
Where it becomes unnacceptable is when Saddam Hussein gets sledged shortly before being executed. If you are going to kill somebody, the least you can do is show some respect for them, otherwise it just isn't cricket.

Percy Fysshe-Fingers - Romantic Poet

Percy Fysshe-Fingers was one of the greatest unknown poets who ever wrote in the English language. Although largely forgotten nowadays, such was his influence on contemporaries like Shelley, Keats and Byron that he was once called the “First Great Romantic.” ¹ Indeed, many of his poems and ideas were later copied, adapted or incorporated in some of the Romantic Poets’ great works, most notably his epic “Song of the ancient sea dog.” Shelley even changed his name from “Paul” to the more pretentious “Percy Bysshe” in honour of his mentor.

Born the son of one of the wealthiest fishing magnates in the port of Grimsby, he led a delicate and sheltered upbringing. At school, he was nicknamed “Pysse-Fingers” by school friends due to his poor personal hygiene. This caused him to be a shy, introverted boy who turned to reading and writing poetry for solace. His early works were largely woeful and gave no indication of the breathtaking quality of his later verse. Although “I bloody hate you lot, you make me sick” was published, by his uncle’s publishing house, it failed to sell.

Upon leaving school, he married childhood sweetheart Birdseye Captania in what became known as the “Humberside Society Wedding” of the year. Unusually for a woman of that era, she refused to change her name upon marriage, reasoning that her new name would make her “the subject of much playful mockery.” This dilemma is one that many modern women are free from. When you have been christened “Apple” or “Peaches” for example, there is no surname on the planet that could make your name even more ridiculous, except perhaps “N’Cream.”

Their marriage was to be characterised by debauchery, drunkenness and decadence, much admired by young Romantics. Many younger poets tried to copy this lifestyle but paid the ultimate price by dying young. Fysshe-Fingers lived to be 97 claiming that “whereas the young rapscallions smoked opium, he smoked nought worse than herring”. The other parallels are also noteworthy; Shelley died in a boating accident rumoured to be sabotage, but Fysshe-Fingers never had any cause to trouble the lifeguard whilst sailing his trawler.

¹ Goole Enquirer, 21 October 1778

Great Works:

“Oz, man. Dee us a favour” - 1796 – the first sonnet about Geordie builders, which was the inspiration for the television series “Auf Wiedersehen, Pet”.

“The eel of Waterloo”- 1797 – (later plagiarised by Lord Byron)

“Ode to a night in gale force 7 seas”- 1798 (later plagiarised by Keats)

“I wandered lonely as a Cod”- 1799 (later plagiarised by Wordsworth)