Domestic Anger

“You’re not going to get away with it you f***ing bitch” were the only words I could make out when somebody started yelling outside the window today. The rest of the rant was very aggressive, very abusive and quite alarming to fellow workers who heard it. As it was one of my female staff who was being subjected to this abuse I went outside to see if I could stop the shouting. As I went down the stairs she was coming into the building, understandably in tears. She assured me she was OK, her ex-husband had followed her back from town during her lunch break and was just finishing off what he wanted to say. When asked again, she said he had gone from the area and there was nothing we could do to help her.
I was appalled at the anger, bitterness and aggression that idiot showed towards his ex-wife. The humiliation she must have felt walking down the street and outside her co-workers office window as he laid into her was awful. The noise level clearly alarmed a few of us who heard it. Nobody should treat someone the way he did.
To my eternal shame, this made me think back to my divorce. I shouted at my ex-wife and used some industrial language in my anger to explain my reasons for leaving. I was no better than the loser outside the office. I did at least only shout at home, but no doubt the neighbours could hear, so what does that make me?
I am gentler now, but I still roll my eyes and use the odd unkind word which hurts others.

Are we all objectionable in our own ways? It’s been a bad day.

Safe Sex

The Fruits of My Research - Safe Sex

The term “safe sex” describes the process by which strongboxes reproduce. Despite the name, “safe sex” can be quite a dangerous activity and protection is therefore recommended. When approaching a rutting strongbox it is advisable to keep downwind and wear a pair of tights/pantyhose over one’s head.Carrying a shotgun can also prove to be a useful precaution. If the strongbox is not obviously aroused, be careful, as it may still be “in heat” and can generate dangerously high temperatures which is why strapping dynamite to it is never recommended.

Navy Entrance Exam

The Fruits of My Research - Navy Entrance Exam

To get into Britain’s Royal Navy you have to pass a physical exam and the following written exam. Whilst some of the questions are open and don’t necessarily have a right or wrong answer, the Navy use this test to gauge a candidate’s suitability for a life on the ocean wave. The Navy’s preferred answers are given after the questions to give readers a clue as to the type of people they are looking for.
What is your favourite Village People Song? In the Navy
What is your favourite other song? Sailing by Rod Stewart
Favourite album? Damn the Torpedoes by Tom Petty
Favourite musical? South Pacific
Favourite animals? Owl and Pussycat
Favourite TV theme tune? Blue Peter
Favourite colour? Battleship Grey
Favourite Film? Officer and a Gentleman
Least Favourite Film? The Titanic
Favourite clothes? Anything in navy blue and white, preferably boot cut or flared trousers
Favourite coat? Sou’wester
Do you have any medical conditions? Scurvy
Do you have any tattoos? 17 – all of anchors
Favourite food? Spinach
Favourite drink? Rum
Favourite sin? Sodomy
Favourite method of discipline? The lash
Favourite holiday destination? Gibraltar
Is Moby Dick a medical condition or a book? A book.
How do you relax? In a hammock
Do you have Sat Nav in your car? No, I use a sextant
Did you have any childhood heroes? Horatio Hornblower and Captain Birdseye
Least favourite person? Captain Jack Sparrow
What is the pointy end of a boat called? Bow
Who is the most beautiful woman in the world? Ellen MacArthur
Who is the most beautiful man in the world? Richard Gere
Are Shannon, Rockall and Bailey characters in the children’s TV classic “Trumpton”? No
Favourite French Expression? Allô,c’est l’heure!
Favourite English expression? Ahoy, me hearties!
Next of kin? Olive Oyl

Kings

The Fruits of My Research - Kings

Forms of government go in and out of fashion, just like clothes and music. Democracy is now a little bit passé, Islamic Fundamentalism is the new black and Monarchy is just “so last century”. Despite this, there are many kings left in the world today. These rulers are a dying breed and represent a link with a long and illustrious line with many well-known names.
For example, the Bourbon Kings ruled France and Spain for hundreds of years. They got their name after their well-publicised addictions to chocolate biscuits and American whiskey. The most famous Bourbon King was Louis XVI of France who had consumed so much whiskey that he was unable to make rational decisions. His decree that all the prisoners in the Bastille should be freed and that his wife’s idea of force-feeding peasants on cake should become law aroused such intense hostility that the population ordered Madame Guillotine to publicly execute him. Alcohol and government clearly do not mix which is why famous leaders like Winston Churchill and George W. Bush never touched the stuff. Only a cad and a bounder would mention Bill Clinton and a hard “liquor” at this point, but I wouldn’t stoop to that level.
King Richard III of England was known as the Lion King. Instead of ruling the country with a firm but fair hand, he spent most of his reign watching performances of a mummers play called “Ye Lione Kynge”. This story of a young lion cub growing up in Africa made such an impact on him that he ordered it to be performed 6 times a day for eternity. In recent years Elton John has helped revive this tradition in many homes with young children.
After many revolutions across Europe a number of kings have become homeless. These “Gipsy Kings” lead a nomadic life seeking money and shelter. The most famous of their number is King Bedouin of Belgium. In 1989 a group of them got together to record “Volare” which became a massive hit across Europe and the USA. In doing so they became the first former heads of state ever to top the Billboard charts, Elvis Presley not being a real king.

Shania Twain

The Fruits of My Research - Shania Twain

Famous singer/songwriter and author. Shania Twain first achieved fame as the author of “The Adventures of Hucklebery Hound”, a book about growing up in politically incorrect times. Subsequent books failed to achieve the standard of this classic and so she resorted to singing in bars to make a living.

She released a few albums of her own songs but sales were disappointing. Songs like “Man, I feel like a donut” and “That don’t impress my tuque” proved popular in her native Canada, but sales were poor in the USA and Europe. A cynic may say that anything with the word “donut” on will sell in Canada but we won’t go into that.

Her big break came when she met Muttley “Mutt” Lange and they fell in love with each other’s earning potential. She was working on the animated adaptation of her book at the Hanna Barbera studios where she met Muttley who was acting in the adaptation of Charles Dickens’ “Wacky Races” at the same studio. Despite being known as the “actor’s actor” for the depth and sophistication he brought to the role of Dick Dastardly’s assistant, it was Muttley’s talent as a record producer that brought him to Twain’s attention.

The first album they produced together “Razzin’ Fazzin’ Dazzin’ Dick Dastardly” went silver, gold and platinum worldwide simultaneously. Critics claim that it is Muttley’s brains, songwriting and production talents that have led to the phenomenal success of the record and that Twain just provides a pretty face on the cover. Twain vigorously denies this pointing out that Muttley’s main contribution to the recording was twiddling his knobs in the control room while she performed. “I wrote all the songs myself” she claims on her website. What is undeniable is that hits like “What’s new, Compact Pussycat”, “Pitstop, in the name of love” and “Catch the Pigeon” all carry the unmistakeable imprint of Muttley.

A Definition of Fear

If you were to be asked the question “how would you define fear?” what would you say? For me the answer would be musical.
As a boy I was taught the violin by a wonderful teacher who used the “Tune A Day” books. Despite her best efforts I only ever got as far as Book 2 and even then, not to the end of it. It occurred to me that the most frightening experience you could possibly have would be to be in a band playing a rough honky-tonk bar when the singer says “Hey lets do the Charlie Daniels Band's The Devil Went down to Georgia”. When it gets to the part where Satan shows Johnny what he can do, I would only be able to play “Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”. When Johnny then plays fiddle to save his soul, do you really think Satan is going to be terrified by “Sur le Pont D’Avignon”? Do you think Johnny is going to escape an eternity in Hell? What about the audience in the Rusty Spittoon?
This I think, defines fear.