“We are Wolves, but we are changing”

Werewolves are sick of getting a bad press and have decided that the only way to clean up their image is through Accreditation. From 1 January 2012 every werewolf in the world will have to follow new strict guidelines laid down in a Lycanthrope Code Of Conduct.

The three main Werewolf governing bodies have agreed to join forces and bring in new regulations to improve the reputation of their species. The British Association of Werewolves, the World Association of Werewolves and the All American Association for the Advancement of Werewolves will now formally be known as BAW-WAW-AAAW. They will try to dispel the myth of werewolves as fly by night characters that you only see once in a blue moon.

OUT WILL GO
Unsightly shapeshifting transformations
Dangerous looking fangs
Blood-spattered carpets
Spine chilling howling
The monobrow

IN WILL COME
Customer friendly phrases
Health and Safety talks
Customer satisfaction surveys
Corporate Uniforms
Equality initiatives
Stricter waxing regimes

“We want to get away from old fashioned phrases with negative connotations”. Things like “victim”, “slaughtered” and “in a grisly stomach-churning massacre” are not appropriate these days. Our members prefer terms such as “valued client”, “treated” and “at an intervention location” to describe what they do” said a Spokeswolf today.

The BAW-WAW-AAAAW regulations are very similar to those used by the UK’s Confederation of Registered Gas Installers (CORGI), only with more teeth.

In future, werewolves, about to pounce on a “valued client” will be required by law to give read them a full Health and Safety information sheet outlining the procedure before ripping their throat out. It is recommended that clients are made aware that they will be allowed a full 30 seconds to scream, that once bitten, they will experience a sharp pain prior to feeling strangely weak, followed by collapsing to the ground and dying. They must be offered the use of a cycle helmet and knee and elbow pads to reduce the risk of skull and bone fractures during their fall. No fee is to be charged for the hire of this equipment. The helmets must be checked by a registered technician between each use.

Clients must complete a customer satisfaction survey before the “intervention”. There will be an opt-out clause on the form, but it must be in a font no larger than 6pt Curlz MT. Consumer groups argued that on a moonlit night in the woods, this may not be legible, but this request was rejected as being “picky”. The Survey will ask questions like:


Was your Werewolf;
A)Polite and chatty, B) A bit creepy, C) Terrifying D) Like a hound from the gates of hell?
Did he/ she/ it:
A)Buy you a coffee first and show you pictures of their cubs B) Explain the procedure clearly C) Howl incoherently D) Tear your jugular vein out without asking permission?
Would you recommend this service to a friend?
A)Yes B) No C) D’Uh?

Prior to being attacked, each werewolf will need to prove to their regulatory body that they carried out a full Equality Check on their client. They are obliged to ask the following questions to ensure fairness in their transactions. If you are not asked these questions, you are entitled to refuse to be bitten. Consumer groups point out that how much weight such objections will carry in the depths of moonlit forest clearings with no witnesses is in some doubt. However, the questions are:
Ethnicity:
Would you describe yourself as:
A)White B) Black C) Asian D) Mixed E) Undead
Sexuality:
Would you consider yourself;
A)Heterosexual B) Homosexual C) Other D) Strangely attracted to wolves if that helps right now
Disability:
Which part of your body would you like to have ripped off first?
A) Head B) Chest C) Legs D) Pinky
Lifestyle:
Would you describe yourself as:
A)A college kid who split up from the group B) A hot female driver who broke down on a deserted stretch of road in the woods C) A vagrant D) An American backpacker in London

To get away from the stereotyping and social stigma of being a werewolf, the old image of a hirsute, malodorous and often threatening wolf/human hybrid will soon be a thing of the dark past. The new guidelines suggest a smart burgundy polo shirt, open at the neck with a small silver W embroidered over the heart as the corporate look for all lycanthropes. Personal hygiene and good grooming are also being recommended as a result of discussions with focus groups carried out by BAW-WAW-AAAAW’s PR agency Zevon Remus Lupin/ Kessler Goodman.