Middle-aged pub musicians across Britain need to be afraid. The Government have just introduced a new criminal offence targeting all those pub cover bands that murder once loved rock n'roll and blues classics. From now on, anybody mangling an old rock n' roll tune could be arrested and charged with Grievous Bo Diddley Harm, or GBH for short.
It's Health and Safety gone mad I tell you! Have you heard that all Wonka bars now have to carry the warning "May contain traces of Augustus Gloop"? It's a scandal. Children know what's in them, they are happy to take the risk. Adults - grow up!
A group of tired and angry policemen are clustered round a sheet of Perspex in the incident room of CSI Bombay. Strangely, they all appear to be Londoners. The Inspector in charge looks harassed and in a very, very bad mood. He jabs a pudgy finger at the incident board and starts his tirade:
“Right you lot. Here’s where we are. We’ve got a missing persons investigation that’s going nowhere. We’ve got a name “Nellie”. We’ve got a witness who heard her saying “goodbye to the circus”. We’ve got forensics looking at iron chain that’s been slipped. We’ve got CCTV of her talking to a suspect on the road to Mandalay. We’ve got a witness who heard, and I quote “a trumpety trump, trump, trump, trump”. But that’s it. We’ve got nothing else. Nada. Zip. Diddly squat. We’ve lost a bloody elephant. A huge soddin’ elephant and you bunch of losers can’t find her. We know there’s somebody behind this. Elephants don’t just walk off. There’s got to be a Mr Big. Have any of you got any ideas?”
A nervous looking young officer puts his hand up and says “Colin, sir. The head of the herd was Colin, sir. He’s your Mr Big.”
The RSPB have asked members of the public to count the number and species of wild birds they see in their gardens this weekend. It is an unofficial census of birds done for free by people who like staring out of the windows. Unlike the official census the birds won't be allowed to claim that their religion is "Jedi" so it will actually carry some accuracy and relevance. We filled the form in yesterday and posted it off. It confirmed a largely dull collection of British birds - a robin, a couple of sparrows, three goldfinches and a pair of blackbirds. Imagine my surprise then when I looked out this morning to see a buzzard, a kittiwake, a condor, a parrakeet called Bernard, a dodo, two cassowaries and an ostrich perched on the washing line. Admittedly the ostrich and the cassowaries soon fell off but the RSPB will never know about this. Still,if I told them they'd only ignore it and think I made it up.
Little Miss Muffet
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Wondering what a “tuffet” was.
So she googled it.
I kissed a gorilla and I liked it
The taste of his banana chapstick
I kissed a gorilla just to try it
I hope his keeper don't mind it
(Things not to sing when you are "Keeper for a day")
This is the 2009 version of an old favourite "When the Boat Comes In":
Come here, maw little Jacky,
Now aw've smok'd mi backy,
Let's hev a bit o' cracky,
Till the boat comes in.
Dance ti' thy daddy, sing ti' thy mammy,
Dance ti' thy daddy, ti' thy mammy sing;
Thou shall hev Spider Crab, Lemon and Lemon Thyme Risotto with Tea Smoked Scallops, Pan Fried Grey Mullet, Spinach and a Beurre Noisette on a little dishy,
Thou shall hev Spider Crab, Lemon and Lemon Thyme Risotto with Tea Smoked Scallops, Pan Fried Grey Mullet, Spinach and a Beurre Noisette when the boat comes in.
You can't not love the Hairy Bikers.
Hawkwind have announced that they are planning to organise holidays where their fans can go with them for boat cruises, vineyard visits or to stay in villas. You get to hang out with the band, maybe have music lessons or jam sessions with them and perhaps go to a gig at the end of the break. This seems like a top idea, although a friend of mine did suggest that if they argue as much as they used to in their heyday, it may not be such a fun time.
The thought of going on holiday with your favourite rock stars sounds like a good one, but the practicalities and the reality may make for a less than perfect break.
Sure, a fortnight spent lolling about by Gene Simmons’ pool in LA sounds good, but if the rock stars came on the sort of holidays we have, I can see problems.
Would you want your daughters to share 10 nights in a caravan in Brittany with Amy Winehouse? “Dad, Amy says we can go to the bar, they’ve got a tattoo parlour and they’ve got coke down there. Can we go? Can we? She’s really cool and says we can drink vodka with her and we don’t have to come back at 9 o’clock for bed. She’s not stuffy like you and Mum”. “Coke?” you’d be thinking. You’d have them sniggering in the back of the car singing “Don’t wanna go to Carnac” on days out. It would be like a living hell with croissants and cocaine.
How would Guns n’ Roses get on playing Pictionary with our girls for 10 nights? Do they have the sort of attention span that could cope with that intensity of game? Would they blush at some of the drawings 15 year old girls can do? On the other hand, how good would it be to “hang out with the guys” drinking beer after the family have gone to bed? Maybe not too good, when you walk round “La musée du champignon et de la vie troglodyte” the next day feeling like death with the girls mocking and calling you a “lightweight” and “a loser” for not keeping up with the band.
As a parent on holiday you have to constantly keep track of the family to make sure they don’t come to harm. I can see it being a nightmare if you had to take the seven members of Madness to Disneyland Paris for a weekend. You’d spend the whole time counting and recounting them. “Right you lot, stand still and let me count you. I don’t care if it is the Night Boat to Cairo, give me a break”. Getting back to Waterloo station with a wife, 2 girls and only 6 nutty boys would not be an option. Mrs Suggs isn’t going to accept “musical differences” as an excuse as to why her Graham is still sitting in “la Légende de Buffalo Bill” at Eurodisney.
The only upside could be that when you first arrive at the park you could announce “”well, boys and girls, welcome to the house of fun!” and smile quietly inside at your own wit.
We didn’t have much money when I was young and taking a family on holiday can be expensive, so we knew not to ask for too much. Imagine Dad’s face if Elton John came on holiday with us and we happened to wander into a florists! “Dad, Elton says he wants 50 of them pink things, they look dead expensive. If you get them for him, can I have one of them buckets shaped like a castle?”
Having a younger sister meant that lazy summer days on the beach were a bit rubbish for me to say the least. On some of the deserted coves in Cornwall, you couldn’t find anybody to play cricket with all summer. Had we taken Showadddywaddy with us, we could have had 4 or 5 a side cricket every day. That would have been brilliant. I don’t know if the TCCB in those days would have allowed them to play in their brightly coloured costumes, seeing as whites were compulsory. I also don’t know how mobile they would have been in soft sand in blue suede crepe platform shoes. They would also have been very hot in those long coats running about in the outfield/ dunes/ incoming breakers. A round of ice creams would have been very pricey and I suspect that Dad would not have let us all run to 99s and a bottle of fizzy pop as well as the basic cone.
"Have I got time to go to the loo before we go out" was my innocent question. "If you are quick" came the prompt reply. "I can be quick, after all, it's not like I have to aim or anything" seemed a funny quip at the time. However, the long lecture on my less desirable personal habits which followed rendered the whole exercise pointless and made us both late.
I have always wanted to be described as "a little hottie". The good news today is that with UK temperatures in the high 20s, I'm not only a little hottie, I'm a little sweaty too!
mmmm.
Andrei Arshavin has signed for Arsenal once day after the Transfer Window closed.
Did he get through a Transfer Catflap that nobody was aware of until now?
...as they are known locally, or computers to the rest of the English speaking world, can be difficult things for some older people to get the hang of. Having tried in vain to train some staff to use a new system at work, it has become apparent that some of them would see Ned Ludd as being a "bit nerdy".
I don't know why it took so long to occur to me. Even though I've heard the name thousands of times on the news, it was only yesterday when I suddenly thought "What a great name 'The Bush Administration' would make for a waxing business".
Good news from Santa's little helpers. They are pleased to report that their language is prospering and is being more widely spoken than in the past. They can categorically confim that Elvish ain't dead.
All your favourite pop stars and Sting will soon be appearing in a brand new range of children’s books. The newly written stories will feature some of the giants of popular music in reworkings of classic tales that have been loved by generations of children. The project is part of CareerAid ,the charity that helps pop stars get back in the public eye. The first 12 titles to be released will be:
Elvis and the Shoemaker
The Lion, Madonna and the Wardrobe
Horton hears The Who
Noddy Holder & Big Ears
James Brown and the Giant Peach
Sting of the Dump
Feargal the Bogeyman
Charlie Watts and the Chocolate Factory
Alice Cooper in Wonderland
The Famous Jackson Five
The Adventures of Huckleberry & the Finn Brothers
Just PiLiam
If everything is black, then you are probably looking at the world through woes-tinted spectacles.
How times change. When Eddie Cochran sang about the "Three steps to heaven" back in the 1950s he was describing simple, optimistic times. Were things always that uncomplicated? Looking at the original 1920s version of the song and some later cover versions, we find that dating has undergone many changes.
1920s – Original version by the Manhattan Men in Spats Orchestra
Step 1 - You find a girl you love
Step 2 – You ask her family if the two of you could spend some time together
Step 3 - You find a chaperone
Step 4 - You meet at Aunty Mabel’s
Step 5 – You chat in the drawing room
Step 6 – You give up and begin an inappropriate relationship with the maid
Now that sure seems like heaven to me
1950s – Eddie Cochran’s definitive version
Step 1 - You find a girl you love
Step 2 - She falls in love with you
Step 3 - You kiss and hold her tightly
Now that sure seems like heaven to me
1980s – Millie ‘n’ Bobbie's bubblegum pop version
Step 1 - You find a girl you love
Step 2 – You tell her friends you fancy her
Step 3 – You push your jacket sleeves up
Step 4 - She falls in love with you
Step 5 - You kiss and hold her tightly
Now that sure seems like heaven to me
1990s – The Flash Boyz britpop boy band's version
Step 1 – A girl says she likes you
Step 2 – You’re not bothered either way, so you go to bed together
Now that sure seems like heaven to me
2000s – DJ Busta feat. the Groovy Train's RnB version
Step 1 – You go online
they would say things like;
Edam:
“I was going to get some flavour, but then I got high”
Brie:
“Is it me or is it warm in here? I’m melting”
Camembert:
“Don’t look at me, it was ze dog!”
Irish Cheddar:
“Oi’ll have annudder Guinness, so I will”
Stinking Bishop:
“I said exactly the same thing to Nick Park on the set of ‘Curse of the Were Rabbit’. Did I tell you I had a major role in that film”
Mature Irish Cheddar:
“Not for me thanks, Oi’m driving”
Taleggio:
“It’s not mould; it’s a carefully cultivated air of rakishness”
Caerphilly:
“Ha, ha, very funny. I’ve not heard that one before - “Just do it caerphilly,” How droll.
Roquefort:
“Zat is wrong. Ze mouse in ze ‘Aristocats’ was named after me, not ze uzzer way round. Idiot!”
Emmental:
“Is it me or is it warm in here? I’m melting”
Gruyère:
“I’m fond of ue too, Emmental”
Song to the tune of “Postman Pat”, the once popular children’s TV programme theme tune:
Postmodern Pat, Postmodern Pat
Postmodern Pat always talks a lot of crap,
Uses words like ”über”
Drives a Mini Cooper
He gets all his ideas from better men
Postmodern Pat, Postmodern Pat
Postmodern Pat and his leather man bag
Wakes up deconstructing
The essence of the zeitgeist
His cat thinks he’s a really shallow man.
How do you tell if you are a success? The quickest way would appear to be to take a look at your armpits. If your shirts are moist a lot of the time then far from being unpleasant to be around, you are almost certainly a success. If Thomas Edison's adage that "success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration" then you can take heart from knowing that you are 90% there.
