Glass

Glass - giving British idiots something to break when drunk - since 1688.

THE GERMINATOR

Keanu Reeves is back on top form in his new movie “The Germinator”. He plays a cyborg gardener fighting evil forces to protect the woman and the plants he loves. One reviewer described the film as like “Rosemary and Thyme on LSD, with guns, meets the Matrix”.

Directed by Martin Calabrese, we see Reeves in one of his most pumped-up, adrenalin fuelled roles for many years. Some critics have argued that the movie is one the most violent mainstream Hollywood films ever – in one 2 minute scene over 1,500 aphids are wiped out by Reeves in a dizzying orgy of spraying. Calabrese defends these charges by arguing that it is all central to the plot; “Reeves’ character is caught in the age old dilemma for all gardeners – organic or chemical? To protect the plants he has nurtured like children he sometimes has to make difficult choices”. Those decisions it seems revolve around the most effective way to annihilate insects, mildew and other terrifying threats.

Where the film differs from many other “shoot-‘em-up” pictures is the love interest in the storyline. The Germinator (Reeves) is infatuated with a woman and has to fight a ruthless gangster (played with extreme menace by George Clooney) for her heart. The object of his desire is real-life TV Gardening presenter Carol Klein. Calabrese says that mixing real-life with cinema brought interesting challenges to his work – “Audiences these days are so used to celebrity that we have deliberately tried to blur the edges between fiction and reality”.

Opinion is divided on whether this has worked and fans at preview screenings were said to be “disturbed” at parts of the film, especially the graphic sex scenes involving Reeves and Klein (played by Scarlett Johansson).

The film is high on energy, action, Latin plant names and explosions. The thrilling final scene sees Clooney and Reeves wrestling in pouring rain in a mixed herbaceous border.

“The Germinator” premières in the US on Monday but one of the central characters won’t be there. Controversially, screenwriter Carol Klein walked out on the movie when she was not cast to play herself. This had been her intention when writing the screenplay, but studio bosses insisted the part went to a more photogenic actor. Casting Director, Bob Beddem, had originally wanted Rachel De Thame for the part, but under pressure from Klein had backed down on this plan. Eventually, producer Carl Linnaeus had to step in and demand that the role be given to Johansson.

Sir Dick Chutney’s Mission to Mars

Fears are mounting today for the British Mars Mission being led by popular billionaire Sir Dick Chutney. Chutney’s craft, Ego I, crashed while landing on the surface of the Red Planet and the crew face an agonising “race against time” to repair it to fly it back to earth.
The only trained astronaut on the flight, Charlie “Buzz” Bumble III, was knocked unconscious during the failed landing when the onboard EgoCam dislodged itself and hit him on the head. He is expected to be well enough to commence repairs by 0300 Earth time.

It is thought that things started to go wrong when Ego I hit the wreckage of the previously lost British probe Beagle 2 and “suffered some well-scary damage to the technical bits underneath it that help it to land” according to a Junior Mission Spokesman at the Biggin Hill airfield.
Chutney, 62, was said to be stoic and composed following his earlier historic walk on the surface of Mars. As he left the vessel he tripped on the first step and fell over. He thus became the first human to set head, backside and then foot on Mars.

The crew consists of Sir Chutney, his hairdresser and assistant engineer Bishan Singh (the first Scottish Sikh in space), “Buzz” Bumble, CallumMcBroon (the British Prime Minister) and Li Chan (the ship’s chef, who was chosen mainly to complete the ethnic diversity requirements of prime-time TV in the US and UK). They have about 4 days supply of oxygen, water, Bolllinger and crispy duck left.

Asked about the voyage, the flame haired tycoon told reporters that “it had been OK, but would have been more comfortable if I hadn’t had the Prime Minister’s nose between my buttocks for most of the flight”. With an election looming McBroon is said by aides to be desperate to attach himself to anything successful or newsworthy.

Singh, 32, from Musselburgh, has denied reports that during the crash has was overheard at Mission Control laughing and saying “It’s nae good, Captain, I cannae hold her, she’s breaking up!”. Writing on his blog singhwhenimorbiting.blog.com, he said “While I’m boldly going in the great tradition of Scottish space engineers, I have new and original things to say. I seem to recall saying something like Crivvens, help ma boab.”

Interestingly for scientists, the only thing visible from the EgoCam before it broke was a sign on the surface of Mars which clearly said “BTW, I do exist. Who else do you think made this planet? ps - I cn also do txt spk, lol, God”.

Sir Chutney must be suffering a sense of déjà vu after the crash as it resembled elements of his recent ill-fated “Microlight to the Moon” adventure. This mission ended in failure when his microlight ran out of fuel shortly after it left the earth’s atmosphere. “The moon is a lot further away than it looks from the ground” said Chutney, explaining the calculation error that nearly proved fatal. Luckily for him he was saved by the cloud of hot air that accompanies him wherever he goes causing a thermal which cushioned his fall to earth.

At Mission Control, staff were remarkably sanguine about the possibility of fatalities on this mission. A reliable source quoted a spokesman as saying “Ah well, sh*ts happen and if we lose two of them on this trip, c’est la vie. It will be sad to lose the astronaut and the two civilians, but life must go on. At least we now know what happened to Beagle 2.”

Alphabet

Did you know that the word "alphabet" comes from the ancient greek word "alphabeti" which means "spaghetti"?