Treacle McBeagle

Is time running out for the much-loved fictional dog, Treacle McBeagle? After being revived in 1998, the publishers of her new books are about to hang up her lead for the last time. “Despite our best efforts to modernise the stories, sales have been disappointing and it isn’t financially viable to continue” they announced today.
Created in the 1950’s, author Clemency Pedant wrote the stories to amuse the children at the Sunday School run by her and her preacher husband, Rev Brimstone Pedant. They tell of a talking beagle called Treacle McBeagle and her owner, a shy schoolgirl called Morag McNicnac. After being picked up by publishers DC Thomson, Treacle McBeagle quickly became the best –selling children’s book character in Britain. A generation of children lapped up books like “Treacle McBeagle and the naughty cat” in which Treacle rescues a ball of wool from a mischievous feline, allowing grandma to finish repairing Dad’s slippers, “Treacle McBeagle and the missing apples” in which Treacle finds the missing apples and saves owner Morag from being slippered by her father, “Treacle McBeagle tells the truth” in which Treacle tells the village Bobby what really happened to his bike and saves Morag from being slippered by her father and the classic “Treacle McBeagle and the stolen slippers” in which Treacle steals Dad’s slippers to prevent Morag being slippered for something she actually did do wrong. After Clemency’s death in 1958, her husband wrote one book, “Treacle McBeagle and the evils of drink” in which Treacle drags an inebriated tramp into the church where he hears a sermon from a charismatic and debonair preacher called Fiery Pendant which converts him to a life of sobriety. It failed to sell as parents deemed it unsuitable for young readers and as a result no further books were published.
Publishers Doomsbury bought the rights in 1998 and resurrected the series with a modern twist. The authors were given the brief “to make them relevant and interesting to the young readers of today and capture the zeitgeist of what it is to be aged 6-11 and middle class”. Morag became a feisty outspoken and precocious child and Treacle adopted a more street-wise talking style, dropping her trademark Scottish colloquialisms, in favour of gangsta rap slang. A talking dog that says “crivvens!” when startled was not deemed sufficiently hip for today’s youngsters. However, in modernising the stories they lost much of the charm and innocence of the originals. In “Treacle McBeagle buys to let” Treacle finds a bag of stolen diamonds and uses the reward money to buy a run down house which her and Morag convert into apartments for rent, in “Treacle McBeagle averts a Greek tragedy ” Treacle saves the life of Greek fisherman who rewards every child in Morag’s school with a free lifetime’s supply of Taramasalata and in “Treacle McBeagle travels carbon neutral” Treacle is flown to Bolivia on Virgin Airlines to see Virgin’s tree planting scheme to counter the carbon emissions from their flights.
The last two books, “Treacle McBeagle – smacked up bitch” in which Treacle appears on MTV with Snoop Dogg and “Treacle McBeagle goes to the hajj - beagle in a burqa” became the most spectacular publishing failures of recent years.

Animal Based Sayings

I recently received a letter which said: “Dear Sir, we would like to remind you that under ABSO regulations, the phrase ‘as hungry as an ant’ is not an officially sanctioned expression and must not be used again”. It was on letterheaded paper from a body called the Animal Based Sayings Organisation. It would appear that they control all usage of animal related expressions in the world.
I had casually compared my hunger to that of an ant in a passing comment in the kitchen. How they overheard me I will never know, but now that they have slapped an ABSO on me, I will have to compare my hunger to that of a wolf, or else eat something and stop whingeing about it. I could argue that ants can be hungry too, and a modern family taking their dinners through to the living room on trays to eat in front of the TV do have similarities to ants – especially if the “dum, dum, dum, dum, dum” music is playing in the background. I suspect however that arguments could be futile, their letter states that anybody who transgresses a second time will be “hunted down like a wounded fox by a pack of hounds.”
As well as being omnipresent, the ABSO also has a surprisingly long memory. I was also warned not to restore use of the Rodent scale for drinking session measurement. This was something we introduced in our college days to gauge the quantity of alcohol we had or intended to consume. It came from the expression “to get ratted” which only covered one level of debauchery. If you wanted to go out for a swift half then getting “ratted” wasn’t appropriate. Hence we coined the expression “to get field voled”. A leisurely drink would get you “moused” and a major bender would see you “coypu’d”. The bureaucrats at ABSO have decreed that it only “ratted” or “pickled as a newt” is permissible.
It looks like the nanny state gone mad, I thought. Shortly after thinking this, I had a call from ABSO reminding me that, technically, goats were a patriarchal breed and the correct phrase should be “billy state”.
It looks like I may have to change my leopard in mid-stream and let sleeping cats lie if I want to avoid being a dog’s dinner.

Must go, I can hear barking outside.