...as they are known locally, or computers to the rest of the English speaking world, can be difficult things for some older people to get the hang of. Having tried in vain to train some staff to use a new system at work, it has become apparent that some of them would see Ned Ludd as being a "bit nerdy".
I don't know why it took so long to occur to me. Even though I've heard the name thousands of times on the news, it was only yesterday when I suddenly thought "What a great name 'The Bush Administration' would make for a waxing business".
Good news from Santa's little helpers. They are pleased to report that their language is prospering and is being more widely spoken than in the past. They can categorically confim that Elvish ain't dead.
All your favourite pop stars and Sting will soon be appearing in a brand new range of children’s books. The newly written stories will feature some of the giants of popular music in reworkings of classic tales that have been loved by generations of children. The project is part of CareerAid ,the charity that helps pop stars get back in the public eye. The first 12 titles to be released will be:
Elvis and the Shoemaker
The Lion, Madonna and the Wardrobe
Horton hears The Who
Noddy Holder & Big Ears
James Brown and the Giant Peach
Sting of the Dump
Feargal the Bogeyman
Charlie Watts and the Chocolate Factory
Alice Cooper in Wonderland
The Famous Jackson Five
The Adventures of Huckleberry & the Finn Brothers
Just PiLiam
If everything is black, then you are probably looking at the world through woes-tinted spectacles.
How times change. When Eddie Cochran sang about the "Three steps to heaven" back in the 1950s he was describing simple, optimistic times. Were things always that uncomplicated? Looking at the original 1920s version of the song and some later cover versions, we find that dating has undergone many changes.
1920s – Original version by the Manhattan Men in Spats Orchestra
Step 1 - You find a girl you love
Step 2 – You ask her family if the two of you could spend some time together
Step 3 - You find a chaperone
Step 4 - You meet at Aunty Mabel’s
Step 5 – You chat in the drawing room
Step 6 – You give up and begin an inappropriate relationship with the maid
Now that sure seems like heaven to me
1950s – Eddie Cochran’s definitive version
Step 1 - You find a girl you love
Step 2 - She falls in love with you
Step 3 - You kiss and hold her tightly
Now that sure seems like heaven to me
1980s – Millie ‘n’ Bobbie's bubblegum pop version
Step 1 - You find a girl you love
Step 2 – You tell her friends you fancy her
Step 3 – You push your jacket sleeves up
Step 4 - She falls in love with you
Step 5 - You kiss and hold her tightly
Now that sure seems like heaven to me
1990s – The Flash Boyz britpop boy band's version
Step 1 – A girl says she likes you
Step 2 – You’re not bothered either way, so you go to bed together
Now that sure seems like heaven to me
2000s – DJ Busta feat. the Groovy Train's RnB version
Step 1 – You go online
they would say things like;
Edam:
“I was going to get some flavour, but then I got high”
Brie:
“Is it me or is it warm in here? I’m melting”
Camembert:
“Don’t look at me, it was ze dog!”
Irish Cheddar:
“Oi’ll have annudder Guinness, so I will”
Stinking Bishop:
“I said exactly the same thing to Nick Park on the set of ‘Curse of the Were Rabbit’. Did I tell you I had a major role in that film”
Mature Irish Cheddar:
“Not for me thanks, Oi’m driving”
Taleggio:
“It’s not mould; it’s a carefully cultivated air of rakishness”
Caerphilly:
“Ha, ha, very funny. I’ve not heard that one before - “Just do it caerphilly,” How droll.
Roquefort:
“Zat is wrong. Ze mouse in ze ‘Aristocats’ was named after me, not ze uzzer way round. Idiot!”
Emmental:
“Is it me or is it warm in here? I’m melting”
Gruyère:
“I’m fond of ue too, Emmental”
Song to the tune of “Postman Pat”, the once popular children’s TV programme theme tune:
Postmodern Pat, Postmodern Pat
Postmodern Pat always talks a lot of crap,
Uses words like ”über”
Drives a Mini Cooper
He gets all his ideas from better men
Postmodern Pat, Postmodern Pat
Postmodern Pat and his leather man bag
Wakes up deconstructing
The essence of the zeitgeist
His cat thinks he’s a really shallow man.
How do you tell if you are a success? The quickest way would appear to be to take a look at your armpits. If your shirts are moist a lot of the time then far from being unpleasant to be around, you are almost certainly a success. If Thomas Edison's adage that "success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration" then you can take heart from knowing that you are 90% there.
Keanu Reeves is back on top form in his new movie “The Germinator”. He plays a cyborg gardener fighting evil forces to protect the woman and the plants he loves. One reviewer described the film as like “Rosemary and Thyme on LSD, with guns, meets the Matrix”.
Directed by Martin Calabrese, we see Reeves in one of his most pumped-up, adrenalin fuelled roles for many years. Some critics have argued that the movie is one the most violent mainstream
Where the film differs from many other “shoot-‘em-up” pictures is the love interest in the storyline. The Germinator (Reeves) is infatuated with a woman and has to fight a ruthless gangster (played with extreme menace by George Clooney) for her heart. The object of his desire is real-life TV Gardening presenter Carol Klein. Calabrese says that mixing real-life with cinema brought interesting challenges to his work – “Audiences these days are so used to celebrity that we have deliberately tried to blur the edges between fiction and reality”.
Opinion is divided on whether this has worked and fans at preview screenings were said to be “disturbed” at parts of the film, especially the graphic sex scenes involving Reeves and Klein (played by Scarlett Johansson).
The film is high on energy, action, Latin plant names and explosions. The thrilling final scene sees Clooney and Reeves wrestling in pouring rain in a mixed herbaceous border.
“The Germinator” premières in the
Fears are mounting today for the British Mars Mission being led by popular billionaire Sir Dick Chutney. Chutney’s craft, Ego I, crashed while landing on the surface of the Red Planet and the crew face an agonising “race against time” to repair it to fly it back to earth.
The only trained astronaut on the flight, Charlie “Buzz” Bumble III, was knocked unconscious during the failed landing when the onboard EgoCam dislodged itself and hit him on the head. He is expected to be well enough to commence repairs by 0300 Earth time.
It is thought that things started to go wrong when Ego I hit the wreckage of the previously lost British probe Beagle 2 and “suffered some well-scary damage to the technical bits underneath it that help it to land” according to a Junior Mission Spokesman at the Biggin Hill airfield.
Chutney, 62, was said to be stoic and composed following his earlier historic walk on the surface of Mars. As he left the vessel he tripped on the first step and fell over. He thus became the first human to set head, backside and then foot on Mars.
The crew consists of Sir Chutney, his hairdresser and assistant engineer Bishan Singh (the first Scottish Sikh in space), “Buzz” Bumble, CallumMcBroon (the British Prime Minister) and Li Chan (the ship’s chef, who was chosen mainly to complete the ethnic diversity requirements of prime-time TV in the US and UK). They have about 4 days supply of oxygen, water, Bolllinger and crispy duck left.
Asked about the voyage, the flame haired tycoon told reporters that “it had been OK, but would have been more comfortable if I hadn’t had the Prime Minister’s nose between my buttocks for most of the flight”. With an election looming McBroon is said by aides to be desperate to attach himself to anything successful or newsworthy.
Singh, 32, from Musselburgh, has denied reports that during the crash has was overheard at Mission Control laughing and saying “It’s nae good, Captain, I cannae hold her, she’s breaking up!”. Writing on his blog singhwhenimorbiting.blog.com, he said “While I’m boldly going in the great tradition of Scottish space engineers, I have new and original things to say. I seem to recall saying something like Crivvens, help ma boab.”
Interestingly for scientists, the only thing visible from the EgoCam before it broke was a sign on the surface of Mars which clearly said “BTW, I do exist. Who else do you think made this planet? ps - I cn also do txt spk, lol, God”.
Sir Chutney must be suffering a sense of déjà vu after the crash as it resembled elements of his recent ill-fated “Microlight to the Moon” adventure. This mission ended in failure when his microlight ran out of fuel shortly after it left the earth’s atmosphere. “The moon is a lot further away than it looks from the ground” said Chutney, explaining the calculation error that nearly proved fatal. Luckily for him he was saved by the cloud of hot air that accompanies him wherever he goes causing a thermal which cushioned his fall to earth.
At Mission Control, staff were remarkably sanguine about the possibility of fatalities on this mission. A reliable source quoted a spokesman as saying “Ah well, sh*ts happen and if we lose two of them on this trip, c’est la vie. It will be sad to lose the astronaut and the two civilians, but life must go on. At least we now know what happened to Beagle 2.”
Did you know that the word "alphabet" comes from the ancient greek word "alphabeti" which means "spaghetti"?
Did you know that the only song sung in English and Icelandic ever to make No. 1 in the UK pop charts was "Bring your dottirs to the slottir" by Iron Maiden?
Traditional British Bed & Breakfast
A traditional English breakfast of a piece of toast or a bowl of CocoPops is served in front of the TV every morning from 7-9am. For children the TV room will be open from 4am-7am. Breakfast of either a bag of crisps or a slice of toast (unbuttered) will be available to take with them. Children must only eat breakfast outside.
Our chef is able to order in a range of hot take-away food from a variety of sources. Whether you want fried chicken, curry, pizza, something Chinese, something deep-fried or just a traditional burger, all our food is locally sourced from one of the many fast foot outlets and vans on our nearby industrial estate/ leisure complex.
Guests are reminded that all used cartons or wrappers are to be left on the floor in the dining room, out in the street or disposed of in our neighbour’s front garden. Please do not use the bins.
A typical British evening’s entertainment is provided. For adults we offer a well-stocked bar and 52” wide screen satellite TV together with X-Box , Wii and Playstation. Children are banned from the house from 6pm – midnight. For their amusement we have a range of facilities nearby including a bench, a street light and a half-vandalised bus shelter. Red Bull, Vodka and Cider is available at discount rates from the local corner shop or supermarket.
Guests are reminded that smoking is forbidden indoors. You are asked to smoke in the road or on the designated patio area. Guests are asked to leave cigarette butts on the floor provided.
Guests are free to make as much noise as they like.
April – Pigs (rising feed costs)
May – Poultry (threat of bird flu)
June – Sheep (threat of blue tongue)
July – Cattle (threat of CJD, if the bovine TB didn’t get them first)
August – Domestic Cats (no particular reason)
The popular Hebrew given name Shlomo does not actually mean "peace" as some believe, but is in fact Hebrew for "action replay". People who speak like Sean Connery also use the word in this context.
"How best to display figures showing rising levels of obesity?" was the question. "Will graphs have the most impact?"
What about using a "Who ate all the pies-chart?" I asked.
When asked "what is your favourite era in art history?" I usually reply "I love rococo - it sends me to sleep wonderfully"
I am working on a pilot for a new Reality TV programme. It is called Celebrity Kidnap and the idea is that each week 2 people compete to see how much money they can raise from ransoms paid for celebrities they have kidnapped. It will be a winner as it has all the elements of great TV. It has famous people in stressful situations, adventure, small amounts of criminality (ahem..), ordinary people getting rich, glamour, seediness and there's a winner and a loser.
So far I am holding Bobby Davro in my garden shed. His ransom has been set at £15 but as yet there are no takers. I have Basil Brush chained to the Black and Decker Workmate. He can walk for £10. Mr Roy will cost you £5 more. I've took Elaine "EP here" Paige hostage but she is really annoying me now and if you'll take her off my hands I'll give you £20 a signed copy of the "Evita CD" she takes everywhere with her. My loft is full of the panpipe-playing Bolivian tramps Incantation who should raise about £50 for the set. The only problem there is that they are eating my chilli con carne faster than I can make the stuff. Also, the loft is beginning to smell a bit.
My efforts aren't going too well but my competitor, Jack, is planning on kidnapping someone called Justin Timberlake. I've never heard of him but Jack tells me that he's a bit like a modern day Roger Whittaker. Jack is hoping for $5-$10 million dollars.
He assures me that we should cover all demographics with this line up, make millions and soon be in a position to be featured on MTV Cribs. I just hope they don't want to film in my loft.
It probably seems churlish to question a new word in the language so soon after it has fallen into common usage but does the word WAGs really convey what it describes? The name for the rich and glamorous Wives And Girlfriends of overpaid football players doesn't describe the full range of relationships. Would Spouses, Lovers And Girlfriends be a better description?
