Iron Maiden

Did you know that the only song sung in English and Icelandic ever to make No. 1 in the UK pop charts was "Bring your dottirs to the slottir" by Iron Maiden?

Rural Britannia

Traditional British Bed & Breakfast

Welcome to the Rural Britannia, a B&B where overseas visitors can experience life in an authentic British family home. Our B&B offers you the chance to see what life is like for people living in modern Britain. Some of our house rules may appear different from usual hotel etiquette, but we strive to create the ultimate “British Experience”.

Breakfast

A traditional English breakfast of a piece of toast or a bowl of CocoPops is served in front of the TV every morning from 7-9am. For children the TV room will be open from 4am-7am. Breakfast of either a bag of crisps or a slice of toast (unbuttered) will be available to take with them. Children must only eat breakfast outside.

Dinner

Our chef is able to order in a range of hot take-away food from a variety of sources. Whether you want fried chicken, curry, pizza, something Chinese, something deep-fried or just a traditional burger, all our food is locally sourced from one of the many fast foot outlets and vans on our nearby industrial estate/ leisure complex.

Guests are reminded that all used cartons or wrappers are to be left on the floor in the dining room, out in the street or disposed of in our neighbour’s front garden. Please do not use the bins.

Entertainment

A typical British evening’s entertainment is provided. For adults we offer a well-stocked bar and 52” wide screen satellite TV together with X-Box , Wii and Playstation. Children are banned from the house from 6pm – midnight. For their amusement we have a range of facilities nearby including a bench, a street light and a half-vandalised bus shelter. Red Bull, Vodka and Cider is available at discount rates from the local corner shop or supermarket.

Smoking

Guests are reminded that smoking is forbidden indoors. You are asked to smoke in the road or on the designated patio area. Guests are asked to leave cigarette butts on the floor provided.

Noise

Guests are free to make as much noise as they like.

Pets

Britain is a nation of animal lovers. Pets are welcome in all rooms. Please be aware however that due to public health scares most breeds of animal are culled annually to protect the public from the rampant disease caused by animals. The following dates are approximate times for this year’s culls. It is advised that you don’t bring the following pets with you at these times.

March – badgers (may possibly spread Bovine TB)
April – Pigs (rising feed costs)
May – Poultry (threat of bird flu)
June – Sheep (threat of blue tongue)
July – Cattle (threat of CJD, if the bovine TB didn’t get them first)
August – Domestic Cats (no particular reason)

The Fruits of My Research - Shlomo

The popular Hebrew given name Shlomo does not actually mean "peace" as some believe, but is in fact Hebrew for "action replay". People who speak like Sean Connery also use the word in this context.

It's all about communication

"How best to display figures showing rising levels of obesity?" was the question. "Will graphs have the most impact?"

What about using a "Who ate all the pies-chart?" I asked.

Art

When asked "what is your favourite era in art history?" I usually reply "I love rococo - it sends me to sleep wonderfully"

Celebrity Kidnap

I am working on a pilot for a new Reality TV programme. It is called Celebrity Kidnap and the idea is that each week 2 people compete to see how much money they can raise from ransoms paid for celebrities they have kidnapped. It will be a winner as it has all the elements of great TV. It has famous people in stressful situations, adventure, small amounts of criminality (ahem..), ordinary people getting rich, glamour, seediness and there's a winner and a loser.
So far I am holding Bobby Davro in my garden shed. His ransom has been set at £15 but as yet there are no takers. I have Basil Brush chained to the Black and Decker Workmate. He can walk for £10. Mr Roy will cost you £5 more. I've took Elaine "EP here" Paige hostage but she is really annoying me now and if you'll take her off my hands I'll give you £20 a signed copy of the "Evita CD" she takes everywhere with her. My loft is full of the panpipe-playing Bolivian tramps Incantation who should raise about £50 for the set. The only problem there is that they are eating my chilli con carne faster than I can make the stuff. Also, the loft is beginning to smell a bit.
My efforts aren't going too well but my competitor, Jack, is planning on kidnapping someone called Justin Timberlake. I've never heard of him but Jack tells me that he's a bit like a modern day Roger Whittaker. Jack is hoping for $5-$10 million dollars.
He assures me that we should cover all demographics with this line up, make millions and soon be in a position to be featured on MTV Cribs. I just hope they don't want to film in my loft.

WAGs

It probably seems churlish to question a new word in the language so soon after it has fallen into common usage but does the word WAGs really convey what it describes? The name for the rich and glamorous Wives And Girlfriends of overpaid football players doesn't describe the full range of relationships. Would Spouses, Lovers And Girlfriends be a better description?

Livin' La Vida loca - repeat and fade

When Ricky Martin sings his classic hit “Livin’ La Vida Loca” live on stage, he often ad libs at the end. For all his fans across the globe who can’t find them anywhere else on the web, here are some of the lines he uses to close his favourite song:
“She gets short of breath, she’s a heavy smoker,
She like Batman films, her favourite baddie’s the Joker,
She’s a steam railway fan, she likes to be the stoker,
She paints in monochrome, mainly with burnt ochre
Come on,
She likes soccer administrators; she used to know Ted Croker
She likes stately homes, her favourite Hall is Holker,
She loves jewellery, she likes to wear a choker
She loves playing cards, she’s fond of a little poker
Come on
Livin’ la vida loca

New definitions

Cardiologist - a woman (or man) who repairs cardigans.

Coo!

Collar doves are well-known for their repetitive but catchy calling. So much so, that they now have their own "Download Chart" on the internet. Here are this weeks top 5 tunes downloaded by collar doves:
1. Coo-Coooo Coo by Cool Dove
2. Coo-Coooo Coo by The Koller Dovez
3. Coo-Coooo Coo by The Dove Formerly Known as Collar
4. Coo-Coooo Coo by Dollar Cove
5. Coo-Coooo Coo by Dove (feat. Collar)

Next week Status Quo are due to release a new single "Coo-Coooo Coo" which they hope could hit this niche chart, but pop experts think it may be too repetitive, even for a collar doves' taste.

2012 London Olympics

A colleague of mine has just come back to work for the third morning in a week having had her children's school sports day cancelled 10 minutes before it was due to start. On the first occasion it had rained the night before and although the sun was shining the staff were concerned that residual water could be dangerous. On the second day there was a heavy dew, causing cancellation. On the third day, despite the sun shining and the dew being moderate, the sky looked a bit cloudy so it was cancelled again. All this in the interests of the children's safety.
If this is how this great nation approaches sport amongst it's under 11s, what happens when the Olympics arrive in 2012? I wouldn't like to be the one to tell the Greco-Roman wrestlers that their event is off because we haven't PAT tested the kettle in the Olympic Arena's staff room. What if there is a moderate breeze when the sailing is about to start? Will they all be told to abandon ship? I dread to think what the Risk Assessment for the Javelin will yield. Can we allow competitive cycling to take place when the riders could get badly scuffed knees or friction burns if they come off on those indoor tracks. I fear carnage if we allow the world's athletes to compete unsupervised and not wearing the right PPE.

Just a thought...

It takes all sorts to make a world music album....

Louis Pasteur's chat-up line?

I wonder if Louis Pasteur ever said "do you want pasteurising, 'cos pasteurised is best?" by way of a chat-up line to his wife? I wonder if she replied "Louis, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest!" If so, did it tickle old Louis?

He may need to have heard the Benny Hill song "Ernie", that came out 80 years after his death for this to be funny, but you never know.....

Ugly Duckling?

"Just because you don't look like the other girls at school, doesn't mean we don't love you darling" I told our teenage daughter this morning. "Talk to the beak, the paws ain't listening" she said to me. Which illustrates my point, really.

Latin Phrases

For those of you who struggle with Latin, here is a well-known Latin phrase translated into English (UK): Quid Pro Quo means "I've booked a well-known legendary rock band to play at your party and it will only cost £1!"

Competitive recycling

Hey, loser! Are you too stupid to recycle? Which part of recycle don’t you understand? You’ve got 6 black sacks full of rubbish and only 2 bags for recycling; we’ve got a paper pile, a cardboard pile, a bag of plastics and only 1 sack of rubbish. To make matters worse, your recycling is 100% beer cans. Are you too smashed to save the planet?
OK, I admit it, I’m a competitive recycler, but a man has to have a competitive hobby and I’m not terribly good at football.
Do you derive a perverse sense of superiority when you walk out into the street on recycling day to see that you are the most eco-aware family in your area? I know I do, it is the only positive aspect of having two compost heaps for all green waste, separate trips to the tip 8 miles away for batteries, metal, fabrics and large items and regular car rides to the bottle bank, not to mention trips out to the large recycling depot for all the paper and cardboard from work because the local authority don’t recycle trade waste.
I do wish that everybody would make an effort to break down their waste into all the reusable elements and that our local authority would actually recycle it rather than taking all the separate piles of waste and throwing it in the same landfill.
Call me a hippie dreamer, but it would be good wouldn’t it?

What kind of uncle are you?

The phone rings and in the absence of caller ID, it has to be answered. “Hi uncle, can you help me?” says a familiar voice. What does the young lad want, I wonder? Does he need some help rebuilding a mountain bike? Does he want to come snowboarding in Zermatt? Does he want to join me marlin fishing in Mauritius? Perhaps he wants to talk over some teenage guy issues? Does he need help stripping down a motorbike engine? It is great being an uncle, especially to such fine young men. The eldest is intelligent, but isn’t that bothered by school things, he’s a lightning fast sprinter, he’s good looking and loves being outdoors. His younger brother is full of energy and life, loves doing stunts on his bike and getting dirty. He’s also got a cheeky smile and is great with people.
What does he want? “I’ve got some really boring homework and need to know what DNA stands for.” So there you have it. I’m the uncle they ring for really dull homework answers. I’m not “adventure uncle” – the extreme sportsman - they’ve got one of those. I’m not the rugged outdoors uncle; they’ve got one of those too. I’m the one they call when something obscure and not even remotely exciting comes up in homework. I’m “lo-tech Google man” for boys without internet access.
The only consolation is that they called me and that I knew the answer. I’d rather be out on a boat on the open ocean with them, but I suppose I’ll settle for being useful, I know my limits.

Customer Service

I've just done one of the receptionist's post-induction training quizzes at work. I scored appallingly, but there again, I haven't been trained as a receptionist. I got most of the answers wrong. The only one I got right was: "A customer comes in and is loud and abusive to you. How do you deal with the situation?" My answer was "Be aggressive and insulting in return, preferably calling their sexuality and parent's marital status into question as well. When questioned later by your manager, deny everything". This appears to be our official customer complaint policy.

New books in an old series

No 50 - Car crash survival techniques for Dummies

New books in an old series

No 49 - Avoiding germs in babies’ mouths for Dummies
(Not for sale in the USA)