Slavery

If the current campaign to mark the 200th anniversary of the abolition of slavery with a formal state apology and the payment of compensation to the descendants of slavery succeeds, we may have a case to start a new campaign. If the criteria used in this case are upheld, then surely the descendants of the Anglo- Saxon victims of Viking rape and pillage in the 10th century deserve an apology and a return of Danegeld from the Norwegian and Danish governments.

Those who clamour for an apology for slavery are surely taking a few facts and ignoring a whole host of others in making their case. It cannot be denied that it was cruel of white slave traders to take slaves from Africa to the new world and force them to work on plantations amidst much brutality. However, this does ignore the fact that many slaves were sold into slavery by black slave traders, that living conditions for most people in the UK were truly appalling in the eighteenth century, that most working people had very few freedoms and were treated brutally by the authorities if they stepped out of line. The average life expectancy for poor people in the UK in 1807 was 20. Descendants of former slaves are now free to live in the UK, the 13th wealthiest country in the world, descendants of those not sold into slavery enjoying a much lower standard of living I would venture to suggest. The gruesome instruments of torture and branding used on slaves are very similar to those than can be found in any small town museum throughout the UK. They were used just as mercilessly on supposedly “free” citizens.

If my plan to secure money from the Danish and Norwegian governments fails, compensation could be funded via the UK tax system. Anybody whose surname is “The Unready”, “The Confessor” or “The Great” would be entitled to receive money from taxes levied on anybody whose surname was “Bloodaxe” or “Forkbeard” or “Harefoot”. This I think is a simple, fair and effective solution. I may have been touched by the hand of genius.

Operation Varsity

Veterans relax before a moving ceremony

In a clearing in the woods, we stood in silence, staring at the distant tree line and watched and waited. Despite this vigil, we were all taken by surprise when a lone glider appeared from behind the trees and flew silently overhead. Behind it, four helicopters skimmed the treetops in formation.

Last week saw the 62^rd Anniversary of Operation Varsity, when 440 gliders flew to Hamminkeln to drop 3,380 men and vehicles behind German lines in a bid to capture and hold the town and 3 bridges across the River Issel. Such was the danger of this one-way mission that only 88 gliders remained undamaged and 204 pilots were killed or wounded.

The bravery of the Glider Pilot Regiment can only be marvelled at. To go on such a mission, flying gliders full of men and machinery into a heavily defended area knowing that your chances of survival were slim is very humbling.

The Service of Remembrance last week was a truly moving occasion. It was attended by the band and soldiers of the Army Air Corps, a detachment of Cadets from Colfe’s School, veterans, families of veterans and members of the public.

The quiet dignity of the service, the thoughts of all us towards those who served, the beauty of the setting and awe inspiring grace of the solitary glider caused a few tears to be shed. Standing there shivering in the bitter cold meade me think of the horror of war, the courage of those who fight in wars and the impact this operation had on people’s lives. One of the civilians came forward and laid flowers on the memorial. He comes every year in memory of his father who died in the battle.

Many good people died fighting that day in 1945. They are not forgotten.

A poem about changing priorities

When you use marijuana
you can do what you wanna
you can fly like a haddock
you can swim in the paddock
you can go to Tijuana
you can do what you wanna
marijuana
marijuana

If you think I’m using cocaine
You really must be jokin’ *
It messes with your septum
And facts you can forget ‘em
While you’re bent over the loo
Feeling like poo
cocaine
cocaine

I don’t wanna end up
sniffin’ bags full of glue
Out of economic necessity
‘cos crack is excessively
Far too expensive for me
Just like LSD
Was back in the sixties
When admittedly
I was a school chiddley
And was hugely unaware
Of the big bad world out there
before mohicanned punks
replaced pineapple chunks
as the most fascinating sight
on a Saturday night
Also
I didn’t expect my dealer
To look like Garrison Keillor
I really thought a pusher
Should look a bit more like Usher
Besides
I don’t really need drugs
At this moment in time
What I could really do with
Are laminated floors
Or some interior doors
Or even of course
A share in a racehorse
If you’re supplying
At the price that I’m buying
And the discount is good
For middle-aged men in this hood
If you know what I mean
Who could strike a deal
For what I need to buy
To really get me high
Is nothing more badder
Than a two section loft ladder.

* the second verse relies on the first two line endings rhyming so make sure you pronounce one or both end words accordingly

How rich are they?

I took some days off last week and went visiting gardens in search of visual stimulation, fresh air and a chance to see how spring is shaping up. I ended up at Exbury on the south coast. The gardens belong to Mr and Mrs Edmund de Rothschild, of banking fortune fame.

As it is still early in the year, the rhododendrons and azaleas are not yet at their peak. There are plenty of them, acres and acres of the things, and they will be hugely impressive later on, but for now the camellias are the stars of the show. They have two walks amongst the most wonderful red, pink and white flowering camellias. They are well worth going to see and a return visit or two later in the year would also be worthwhile. The estate is large enough and well-designed enough to have largish areas of interest throughout the years.

One thing that strikes you is the number of plaques beside trees stating that this one was planted by Her Majesty the Queen, this one by Prince Philip, another by Lady Di etc. Not only have all the royal family planted trees but the Queen and her mother must have planted at least 10 each on separate occasions. How rich can the de Rothschild family be if they have the British royal family do their gardening for them? It makes you think….

The Purple Fop

If I was ever to own a bar, I’d like to call it “The Purple Fop”. As is the way these days, it would need a tagline, and I would suggest that you couldn’t do much better than “where regency decadence meets post modern zeitgeist.”

With that name and tagline, the whole concept of the business falls neatly into place. The décor would be mock regency, all chandeliers and pastel striped wallpaper. The clientèle would be well-heeled, pretentious poseurs, professional footballers, metropolitan go-getters, media types and dim-but-wealthy party animals. Drinks would be outrageously priced. They would have names like “The Madness of King George” (a cocktail of 9 parts of absinthe, 1 part vodka – just to dilute it a bit) or “Madame Guillotine” (a cocktail of 1 part absinthe to 9 parts battery acid – for drinkers who might find “The Madness” a little tame). You could stretch to existing cocktails like the Scarlet Pimpernel (made with Pimms) if you really had to, but new versions of old ideas would be the most popular. Your customers wouldn’t really be original thinkers or even remotely creative, so would be happiest adapting the familiar and pretending it is new. The lavatories would be named “Ladies” and “Dandies”. Security would be told to only admit guests if they were flamboyantly dressed. A supply of bonnets, ruffs, lacy cuffs and velour waistcoats would be kept in a “dressing-up cloakroom” just in case a super-rich celebrity showed up dressed unadventurously. They could then be made to wear these clothes, a bit like when you were young and turned up for PE without your kit, only this time it would done with panache, rather than acute embarrassment.
Including the word post-modern and zeitgeist in the tagline would attract all the superficial people in your city at a stroke. The joy of this concept is that anyone who is shallow, rich and basically stupid would be drawn to it like a bear to a honey-smeared salmon. Which gives me an idea for the menu…
Next time you’re in town, call in to The Purple Fop - where regency decadence meets post modern zeitgeist.

Signs of dullness

You know that you are probably quite a dull, sad individual when you are able to answer a question like "I'm ordering some labels today, do you have a favourite type?"with "Oh yes, I prefer the Avery L7161 labels". A "friend of mine" (ahem) did just that today....

New definitions of old words #71

DUMPLING

a very tiny poo

A Roman Slave Did It...

The huge number of people claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's orphan child could be seen as quite heart warming. Here we have a poor little waif orphaned at a tender age. Luckily they shouldn't be parentless for too long as a queue is growing of men claiming to be the father. A cynic might think that the $240mn fortune this child inherits is a motivation, I prefer to think of it as a reaffirmation of the goodness of modern mankind. Could you stand by and let some unfortunate child go through life with no parents? Not even somebody as shallow as Madonna could do this, she even adopted a child BEFORE it was an orphan.
The line of people saying "I'm the father" reminds me of the scene in Spartacus where a whole hillside of slaves defiantly stood up and said "I'm Spartacus". The only difference being that their reward was substantially less than $240mn.
I urge you all to say "I'm the father".

Is Rachael Ray taking over the world?

When it comes to creative variations on Pizza, you can’t beat the Americans. I really thought that they’d hit the depths with Rachael Ray’s “Pizzagna” creation. This was the dish that, as she kept explaining to her presumably stupid audience, was a cross between Pizza and Lasagne. Really? We’d never have guessed.
The “30-Minute Meal” show was hugely entertaining, not from a food-lovers perspective, but more from an “oh my god, the Americans really are stupid people with a rotten diet” angle. I’m simply not used to seeing cookery programmes that say; “to make a béchamel sauce, simply open a jar of béchamel sauce and pour it in the pot”. It’s not exactly challenging is it, Rachael?
It appears that the woman is making up her own language now. When I saw EVOO listed as an ingredient in a recipe I had to Google the thing to see what it was. EVOO turns out to be what the rest of the world calls Extra Virgin Olive Oil. People seem to be buying her EVOO as well. I wish I had thought of this. I might try and market APOH – a pinch of herbs. I may need to change its name for the US market and promote it as APOU – a pinch of “urbs” due to American failings in the pronunciation department.
As if all this wasn’t bad enough, the geek in me was searching Google’s website for Firefox add-ons when I find this link: ttp://www.google.com/tools/firefox/index.html.
With this add-on you can add text clippings, images and links to your Google Notebook and share them with friends. The clipping they use to illustrate the point is Kraft Foods.com’s “Pizza on the Grill” recipe! What kind of diet and what kind of friends must you have to want to share this clipping with?
Visit this blog next week for my very own “Pizzaroni Bolognese alla griglia” recipe, made with EVOO, APOU and SOSQUAT (some squashed tomatoes).

Snow Day

One of the joys in life is our local Arboretum. Here is the view today from the Coach House.

Bird Flu

The UK Government are issuing all sorts of advice to inform the public of the risk from Avian Flu. I have read some of it and it appears that the best way avoid catching the disease it to follow this simple advice: "don't handle infected birds." This rule of thumb has served philanderers well down the ages and is still relevant today.

What makes a nation tough?

The UK has had 1 inch of snow overnight, causing chaos in the transport system and half of the country’s schools to shut for the day. Admittedly 1 inch is well over 25mm of snow and it did fall within 24 hours, but even so, it is hardly a problem.

It beggars belief that Britain used to control 1/3 of the world.

How did they ever manage to conquer and rule Canada, for instance, when they can’t even deal with a “light dusting” of snow in their own country? Are Canadians getting tougher? Can you face any danger with a strong heart simply by wearing a toque? What were the Victorian Brits made of that the current lot aren’t? Perhaps there’s something to be said for covering up the legs on pianos and having antimacassars on your armchairs.

Celebrity Psychopath Cross Training

Controversy once more surrounds Flad Baddery, the legendary TV producer, after plans for his new reality TV series were today leaked to the media. Condemnation is expected to flood in from all sides over his intended new series “Celebrity Psychopath Cross Training” in which a well-known celebrity and a convicted murderer will change places for a month and train each other in their respective disciplines. The programme will be advertised with the tagline “Like Strictly Come Dancing – with an edge”

The convict lined up for the programme has been named as Boris Putzneschko, “The Vladivostok Vampire,” currently in prison in Russia for knifing 17 vagrants to death in the disused railway sheds of Vladivostok. He will be freed and will spend two intensive weeks showing a celebrity from the UK how to murder tramps. At the end of this period it is planned for the celebrity to kill a hobo, live on TV.

So far, no celebrities have signed up for the show, Teri Hatcher having pulled out of negotiations when the Desperate Housewives role came up. Insiders have however revealed that a well known British politician is said to be interested. A source told me “when his current position in the government comes to an end in the next few months, our politician is very keen to take part. He initially had ethical reservations to the concept of the programme but was persuaded that it would be a good way to highlight the plight of homeless Russians and earn US$250,000 tax free and a fortnight in Daryl Hall’s New York penthouse apartment for two weeks work”.

After this, the programme will switch to the US where the politician is expected to undertake a lecture tour of universities. Baddery is planning to give Putzneschko two weeks to be taught public speaking by the former politician and at the end of that period to deliver a lecture to invited guests at Harvard Business school. Putzneschko too had ethical reservations to the concept of the programme but was persuaded that it would be a good way to highlight the plight of jobless former British Prime Ministers and earn US$250,000 tax free and a fortnight in John Oates’ New York penthouse apartment for two weeks work”.

Brazil Nuts - A poem

I don't eat Brazil Nuts,
Brazil Nuts don't eat me.
It's an arrangement that works
Satisfactorily.

I don't eat wild tigers,
Wild tigers don't eat me.
It's an arrangement that works,
Obviously.

Obituary: Paxman Heliotrope

Paxman Heliotrope died yesterday at the age of 947. He had been unwell for some time and passed away in strange circumstances at St Cuthbert’s Church, Whitby.

Heliotrope arrived in Britain from his native Transylvania in 1248 fleeing from persecution in the mountain kingdom in what is now Romania. Before his retirement in 1732, he ran a very successful topsoil import/ export business.

A gregarious socialite who enjoyed the nightlife of his adopted country, he attended many black tie events down the years.

A well known breeder and collector of bats, he often gave talks to winter meetings of the WI and the Townswomen’s Guilds. He was credited with introducing a number of rare and some say, dangerous breeds into the UK.

In later years he volunteered as a courier for the blood transfusion service. His position was terminated in 1996 after an internal audit discovered a number of missing consignments. Investigations were inconclusive, but Heliotrope was dismissed after failing to attend a disciplinary hearing at midday on August 15. He was said to have become depressed after this and was rarely seen at his old haunts.

Friends recall that he had been increasingly worried over the British Government’s plans to clampdown on workers from Bulgaria and Romania after those countries’ accession to the EU in January 2007. As he had been in the country without a work permit since 1248, he had become increasingly fearful of deportation.

He died while hastily trying to flee from a “decorate your mirror with a frame of garlic and mini silver crucifixes” event which he had walked in to at St Cuthberts’ church. Friends said that he had been in the crypt taking brass rubbings and had probably lost track of time. Upon emerging he didn’t want to disturb the brownies and so tried to creep out, unfortunately slipping and falling on a silver spike by the rood screen in the process.

He leaves behind 128 nieces.

New Year's Resolutions

Here are my New Year's resolutions:

To write my resolutions down on time next year.
To fight for world peace.
To support a winning sports team for once in my life (I have applied for Australian citizenship).
To drink less than my bodyweight in tea at least one day a week.
To be kind to small animals. With the exception of possums in New Zealand. It’s OK to kill them.
To only play my guitar with headphones on the amplifier. I like Bill and Ted’s Wyld Stallyns, the neighbours don’t.
To not watch any Big Brother or BB spin off programmes as it only makes me cross and use language that is inappropriate in an educated man.
To find a beat in music that I am dancing to, and once found, to try and move in time to it. My old excuse that Yorkshiremen are descended from Cubans has been rumbled by the other people at my dance club.
Or is that "rumba’d"?
To not try comic wordplay, I'm no good at it and it isn't funny.

Shameless Greed

Somebody needs to expose the shameless greed and double standards of the Roman Catholic Church in Britain. There are four million starving people in the Sudan who get to share a two word name “famine victims” between them. In the UK, the head of the Roman Catholic Church has a whopping six names all to himself. As Sir Bob Geldof may have said to him “The Archbishop of Westminster, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor, give us yer f***king names……....father.”

Sledging

There comes a point when sledging can go too far. For those unfamiliar with the art of "sledging" it is a term used to describe the abuse that fielding cricketers give to batsmen to put them off their game. "We've all slept with your mother, and she wasn't up to much" being the sort of thing that gets said.
Shane Warne, the great Australian bowler was repeatedly telling England fringe player Paul Collingwood that he was an embarrasment for getting an MBE from the Queen for playing one game against Australia last summer. This is a fair point and was proven to be true when Collingwood flopped again.
Where it becomes unnacceptable is when Saddam Hussein gets sledged shortly before being executed. If you are going to kill somebody, the least you can do is show some respect for them, otherwise it just isn't cricket.

Percy Fysshe-Fingers - Romantic Poet

Percy Fysshe-Fingers was one of the greatest unknown poets who ever wrote in the English language. Although largely forgotten nowadays, such was his influence on contemporaries like Shelley, Keats and Byron that he was once called the “First Great Romantic.” ¹ Indeed, many of his poems and ideas were later copied, adapted or incorporated in some of the Romantic Poets’ great works, most notably his epic “Song of the ancient sea dog.” Shelley even changed his name from “Paul” to the more pretentious “Percy Bysshe” in honour of his mentor.

Born the son of one of the wealthiest fishing magnates in the port of Grimsby, he led a delicate and sheltered upbringing. At school, he was nicknamed “Pysse-Fingers” by school friends due to his poor personal hygiene. This caused him to be a shy, introverted boy who turned to reading and writing poetry for solace. His early works were largely woeful and gave no indication of the breathtaking quality of his later verse. Although “I bloody hate you lot, you make me sick” was published, by his uncle’s publishing house, it failed to sell.

Upon leaving school, he married childhood sweetheart Birdseye Captania in what became known as the “Humberside Society Wedding” of the year. Unusually for a woman of that era, she refused to change her name upon marriage, reasoning that her new name would make her “the subject of much playful mockery.” This dilemma is one that many modern women are free from. When you have been christened “Apple” or “Peaches” for example, there is no surname on the planet that could make your name even more ridiculous, except perhaps “N’Cream.”

Their marriage was to be characterised by debauchery, drunkenness and decadence, much admired by young Romantics. Many younger poets tried to copy this lifestyle but paid the ultimate price by dying young. Fysshe-Fingers lived to be 97 claiming that “whereas the young rapscallions smoked opium, he smoked nought worse than herring”. The other parallels are also noteworthy; Shelley died in a boating accident rumoured to be sabotage, but Fysshe-Fingers never had any cause to trouble the lifeguard whilst sailing his trawler.

¹ Goole Enquirer, 21 October 1778

Great Works:

“Oz, man. Dee us a favour” - 1796 – the first sonnet about Geordie builders, which was the inspiration for the television series “Auf Wiedersehen, Pet”.

“The eel of Waterloo”- 1797 – (later plagiarised by Lord Byron)

“Ode to a night in gale force 7 seas”- 1798 (later plagiarised by Keats)

“I wandered lonely as a Cod”- 1799 (later plagiarised by Wordsworth)

The Holiday - The Movie Review

A hugely enjoyable film, well-written with good strong characters that you actually like. Being able to like characters in a film makes it much easier to get absorbed in. Aside from the four main stars, the two children and Arthur the aged screenwriter were also likeable and interesting.
The only gripes I had were with the product placement. The film was produced by companies in the Sony group. Any shot where there was a chance of put some electrical equipment featured Sony gadgets with prominent logos. In one scene one of the actresses was typing on her laptop but you couldn't see who she was because the screen was filled with the Sony Vaio lid. They did screw up though in the scene at the scriptwriter's house where Kate Winslet picks up a clearly labelled Panasonic recorder.
After you have ravished or been ravished by your partner, how often does the bra stay on? Cameron Diaz managed to keep hers on after a coupling with Jude Law. I know she probably has a nudity clause in her contract, and fair play to her, I don't want to see her breasts, but they could have strategically draped a sheet or shirt or nightie over her. The white lacy bra was a touch ridiculous.
Our other complaint was in the scene where Cameron Diaz runs through a field in the English countryside to (understandably) get her hands on Jude Law. She opens a farm gate and runs off up the lane to the cottage. She didn't shut the gate behind her. Anybody brought up in the country knows that you ALWAYS shut gates behind you, it's the law.