The Holiday - The Movie Review

A hugely enjoyable film, well-written with good strong characters that you actually like. Being able to like characters in a film makes it much easier to get absorbed in. Aside from the four main stars, the two children and Arthur the aged screenwriter were also likeable and interesting.
The only gripes I had were with the product placement. The film was produced by companies in the Sony group. Any shot where there was a chance of put some electrical equipment featured Sony gadgets with prominent logos. In one scene one of the actresses was typing on her laptop but you couldn't see who she was because the screen was filled with the Sony Vaio lid. They did screw up though in the scene at the scriptwriter's house where Kate Winslet picks up a clearly labelled Panasonic recorder.
After you have ravished or been ravished by your partner, how often does the bra stay on? Cameron Diaz managed to keep hers on after a coupling with Jude Law. I know she probably has a nudity clause in her contract, and fair play to her, I don't want to see her breasts, but they could have strategically draped a sheet or shirt or nightie over her. The white lacy bra was a touch ridiculous.
Our other complaint was in the scene where Cameron Diaz runs through a field in the English countryside to (understandably) get her hands on Jude Law. She opens a farm gate and runs off up the lane to the cottage. She didn't shut the gate behind her. Anybody brought up in the country knows that you ALWAYS shut gates behind you, it's the law.

Some music questions for you

1. If all the leaves are brown, what colour is the sky?
2. What has Beelzebub put aside for me?
3. How old is the Dancing Queen?
4. There are Three Steps to Heaven. Name them.
5. “Let me take you by the hand” and what?
6. What happened on the day I drove my Chevy to the levee?
7. What will happen if you Minuetto Alegretto?
8. How many bicycles are there in Beijing?
9. Man's shirts, short skirts. What do I feel like?
10. You're gonna be the one who saves me. What are you, after all?
11. All in all, its just another...what?
12. What happened after I saw your face in a crowded place?
13. If you're out of luck or out of work, to where can we take you?
14. On which river can you sail away, sail away, sail away?
15. What has purple French tail lights and thirty inch fins?
16. Who will make you buy cars, make you cut cards?
17. Who and what do you wish your girlfriend was like?
18. What do those who run seem to have?
19. Who said "there must be some kind of way out of here" to the thief?
20. I don't know anything about you baby, but you're everything I'm dreaming of. Who are you?
21. What do you always take with you, everywhere you go?
22. Where did Johnny used to work, before the Union went on strike?
23. What ought you to be doing when you keep lyin'?
24. If you've been asked to "meet the gang", what are the boys here to do?
25. Who had a rival called "Two Ton Ted"?

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

For a newly qualified therpaist, the simple approach to treating depression is to tell the patient to "go away and pull yourself together". Of course this is a little harsh and probably ineffective. However, there is an alternative and that is called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This treatment works by teaching you to tell the patient to go away and visualise themselves pulling themselves together. It is a subtle but highly effective difference.

Sportsmen - are you committed enough?

There has never been more pressure on top tevel sportsmen than there is today. Now that the normal rules of maths have been overturned by semi-numerate athletes interviews allow us to see just how committed our heroes really are. The only problem is that saying "I gave 100% out there today" only marks you out as a slacker. Most professionals give "120%" or "150%" so my advice is to claim that you give "a million %" in every game. That way it'll take years for your team mates to catch you up.

Time on my hands

I recently switched jobs and now work in a small rural market town. As my new job doesn't demand 10 hours a day of high intensity work, I find myself with the occasional half hour to fill at lunchtimes. This is a novelty for me as I haven't taken a regular lunch break for about 20 years.
The main problem with this is that the modern small town has a rather odd range of attractions available for the modern executive. In the last week I have used all the facilities and have had a spray tan, a manicure, a body piercing and two tattoos. Next week I am faced with pretty much the same array of entertainment. The bars are uniformly grimy and even if I wasn't a non-drinker would be unnappealing. So, I'll be having a back wax on Wednesday and buying fish from the refrigerated van which visits on Friday. That is about as much excitement as I'll be able to generate.
All this leaves me looking bright orange and wondering where my career went.

What do you do with your lunch break?

Domestic Anger

“You’re not going to get away with it you f***ing bitch” were the only words I could make out when somebody started yelling outside the window today. The rest of the rant was very aggressive, very abusive and quite alarming to fellow workers who heard it. As it was one of my female staff who was being subjected to this abuse I went outside to see if I could stop the shouting. As I went down the stairs she was coming into the building, understandably in tears. She assured me she was OK, her ex-husband had followed her back from town during her lunch break and was just finishing off what he wanted to say. When asked again, she said he had gone from the area and there was nothing we could do to help her.
I was appalled at the anger, bitterness and aggression that idiot showed towards his ex-wife. The humiliation she must have felt walking down the street and outside her co-workers office window as he laid into her was awful. The noise level clearly alarmed a few of us who heard it. Nobody should treat someone the way he did.
To my eternal shame, this made me think back to my divorce. I shouted at my ex-wife and used some industrial language in my anger to explain my reasons for leaving. I was no better than the loser outside the office. I did at least only shout at home, but no doubt the neighbours could hear, so what does that make me?
I am gentler now, but I still roll my eyes and use the odd unkind word which hurts others.

Are we all objectionable in our own ways? It’s been a bad day.

Safe Sex

The Fruits of My Research - Safe Sex

The term “safe sex” describes the process by which strongboxes reproduce. Despite the name, “safe sex” can be quite a dangerous activity and protection is therefore recommended. When approaching a rutting strongbox it is advisable to keep downwind and wear a pair of tights/pantyhose over one’s head.Carrying a shotgun can also prove to be a useful precaution. If the strongbox is not obviously aroused, be careful, as it may still be “in heat” and can generate dangerously high temperatures which is why strapping dynamite to it is never recommended.

Navy Entrance Exam

The Fruits of My Research - Navy Entrance Exam

To get into Britain’s Royal Navy you have to pass a physical exam and the following written exam. Whilst some of the questions are open and don’t necessarily have a right or wrong answer, the Navy use this test to gauge a candidate’s suitability for a life on the ocean wave. The Navy’s preferred answers are given after the questions to give readers a clue as to the type of people they are looking for.
What is your favourite Village People Song? In the Navy
What is your favourite other song? Sailing by Rod Stewart
Favourite album? Damn the Torpedoes by Tom Petty
Favourite musical? South Pacific
Favourite animals? Owl and Pussycat
Favourite TV theme tune? Blue Peter
Favourite colour? Battleship Grey
Favourite Film? Officer and a Gentleman
Least Favourite Film? The Titanic
Favourite clothes? Anything in navy blue and white, preferably boot cut or flared trousers
Favourite coat? Sou’wester
Do you have any medical conditions? Scurvy
Do you have any tattoos? 17 – all of anchors
Favourite food? Spinach
Favourite drink? Rum
Favourite sin? Sodomy
Favourite method of discipline? The lash
Favourite holiday destination? Gibraltar
Is Moby Dick a medical condition or a book? A book.
How do you relax? In a hammock
Do you have Sat Nav in your car? No, I use a sextant
Did you have any childhood heroes? Horatio Hornblower and Captain Birdseye
Least favourite person? Captain Jack Sparrow
What is the pointy end of a boat called? Bow
Who is the most beautiful woman in the world? Ellen MacArthur
Who is the most beautiful man in the world? Richard Gere
Are Shannon, Rockall and Bailey characters in the children’s TV classic “Trumpton”? No
Favourite French Expression? Allô,c’est l’heure!
Favourite English expression? Ahoy, me hearties!
Next of kin? Olive Oyl

Kings

The Fruits of My Research - Kings

Forms of government go in and out of fashion, just like clothes and music. Democracy is now a little bit passé, Islamic Fundamentalism is the new black and Monarchy is just “so last century”. Despite this, there are many kings left in the world today. These rulers are a dying breed and represent a link with a long and illustrious line with many well-known names.
For example, the Bourbon Kings ruled France and Spain for hundreds of years. They got their name after their well-publicised addictions to chocolate biscuits and American whiskey. The most famous Bourbon King was Louis XVI of France who had consumed so much whiskey that he was unable to make rational decisions. His decree that all the prisoners in the Bastille should be freed and that his wife’s idea of force-feeding peasants on cake should become law aroused such intense hostility that the population ordered Madame Guillotine to publicly execute him. Alcohol and government clearly do not mix which is why famous leaders like Winston Churchill and George W. Bush never touched the stuff. Only a cad and a bounder would mention Bill Clinton and a hard “liquor” at this point, but I wouldn’t stoop to that level.
King Richard III of England was known as the Lion King. Instead of ruling the country with a firm but fair hand, he spent most of his reign watching performances of a mummers play called “Ye Lione Kynge”. This story of a young lion cub growing up in Africa made such an impact on him that he ordered it to be performed 6 times a day for eternity. In recent years Elton John has helped revive this tradition in many homes with young children.
After many revolutions across Europe a number of kings have become homeless. These “Gipsy Kings” lead a nomadic life seeking money and shelter. The most famous of their number is King Bedouin of Belgium. In 1989 a group of them got together to record “Volare” which became a massive hit across Europe and the USA. In doing so they became the first former heads of state ever to top the Billboard charts, Elvis Presley not being a real king.

Shania Twain

The Fruits of My Research - Shania Twain

Famous singer/songwriter and author. Shania Twain first achieved fame as the author of “The Adventures of Hucklebery Hound”, a book about growing up in politically incorrect times. Subsequent books failed to achieve the standard of this classic and so she resorted to singing in bars to make a living.

She released a few albums of her own songs but sales were disappointing. Songs like “Man, I feel like a donut” and “That don’t impress my tuque” proved popular in her native Canada, but sales were poor in the USA and Europe. A cynic may say that anything with the word “donut” on will sell in Canada but we won’t go into that.

Her big break came when she met Muttley “Mutt” Lange and they fell in love with each other’s earning potential. She was working on the animated adaptation of her book at the Hanna Barbera studios where she met Muttley who was acting in the adaptation of Charles Dickens’ “Wacky Races” at the same studio. Despite being known as the “actor’s actor” for the depth and sophistication he brought to the role of Dick Dastardly’s assistant, it was Muttley’s talent as a record producer that brought him to Twain’s attention.

The first album they produced together “Razzin’ Fazzin’ Dazzin’ Dick Dastardly” went silver, gold and platinum worldwide simultaneously. Critics claim that it is Muttley’s brains, songwriting and production talents that have led to the phenomenal success of the record and that Twain just provides a pretty face on the cover. Twain vigorously denies this pointing out that Muttley’s main contribution to the recording was twiddling his knobs in the control room while she performed. “I wrote all the songs myself” she claims on her website. What is undeniable is that hits like “What’s new, Compact Pussycat”, “Pitstop, in the name of love” and “Catch the Pigeon” all carry the unmistakeable imprint of Muttley.

A Definition of Fear

If you were to be asked the question “how would you define fear?” what would you say? For me the answer would be musical.
As a boy I was taught the violin by a wonderful teacher who used the “Tune A Day” books. Despite her best efforts I only ever got as far as Book 2 and even then, not to the end of it. It occurred to me that the most frightening experience you could possibly have would be to be in a band playing a rough honky-tonk bar when the singer says “Hey lets do the Charlie Daniels Band's The Devil Went down to Georgia”. When it gets to the part where Satan shows Johnny what he can do, I would only be able to play “Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”. When Johnny then plays fiddle to save his soul, do you really think Satan is going to be terrified by “Sur le Pont D’Avignon”? Do you think Johnny is going to escape an eternity in Hell? What about the audience in the Rusty Spittoon?
This I think, defines fear.

The Rat Pack

The Fruits of My Research - The Rat Pack
A name given to a group of hard drinking, womanising, party-going entertainers in the 1960s. The group comprised Sammy Davis Jnr, Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. There is some dispute as to how the name originated. Some say that it comes from the British expression to “get rat arsed” (to drink excessively) while others claim that it comes from their means of getting into nightclubs for free by getting in through the drains.
The group fathered many children during their hell-raising days, some 417 of them got together in 1982 to form the “Brat Pack” to campaign for financial support from absent fathers.
Frank Sinatra, a singer, was nicknamed “’Ol Black Eyes” as a result of the violent reputation of some of his entourage.
Sammy Davis Jnr, another singer, was born Samuel Finkelstein Geronimo Pedersson Kowalski Ngombu Davis Jnr and could claim a truly multicultural heritage. In many ways he was the original one-man manufactured boy band. There was something there for everyone.
Dean Martin, a singer, actor and business tycoon, was perhaps the most interesting member of the group. His father was one of the co-founders of the Aston Martin sports car manufacturing company. Whilst claiming to be Italian, Dean was in fact about as Italian as bits of pineapple on “old pizza pie”. He was actually born in Guadalajara, Mexico. After making a fortune through singing, he opened a newsagent in London, England. Soon he had built up a chain of newsagents and tobacconists across the UK. He could often be seen on a Monday morning in a tuxedo, looking worse for wear selling Marlboro Lights and The Sun to builders on their way to work. His shops, Martins, can still be found at the cheaper ends of many UK high streets today.
This success led to him and British comedian Max Wall linking up to open a supermarket in the US. Wal-Mart opened its doors in Bentonville, Arkansas in 1974 and soon became the major retailer in the USA. In the early days it wasn’t unusual for Arkansas shoppers to see a clearly wrecked Deano struggling with the tills while Max Wall did his trademark funny walk whilst stacking the shelves. Happy times.

River Ralph

The Fruits of My Research - River Ralph
The sacred River Ralph runs through Xanadu in the classic song “Xanadu” by Canadian pop trio Rush. Samuel Taylor Coleridge later adapted the lyrics for the song into his poem “Kubla Khan”. Rush lyricist Neal Peart named the mythical river after his favourite character in Happy Days - Ralph Malph.

I should do your customer service…

In an attempt to help customers who have fallen foul of our phone system at work, I made some changes to the menu today. If you call us now, you get the following choices:
“Thank you for calling us, you are most valued. Truly you are. Press 1 for Finance, 2 for Sales, 3 for HR, 4 for Despatch.” Pressing 2, for example, leads to these choices, “You are through to Sales. Press 1 for Domestic orders, 2 for International orders, 3 for Internet orders, 4 for Postal orders or 5 for telephone orders”. Pressing any one of these buttons, it doesn’t matter which, they all do the same, leads to this message “You are through to Sales, press 1 to return to the main menu, press 2 to be redirected to The Samaritans.” I don’t reckon we’ll get any complaints now.

Mulligatawny

The Fruits of My Research - Mulligatawny

The reason why Mulligatawny did not make the list of 100 favourite soups could be that it is made from Tawny Owls. No amount of curry powder and cumin seeds will disguise that flavour.

New Zealand

The Fruits of My Research - New Zealand

New Zealand was first discovered by Captain Peter Jackson who arrived there from England on HMS Bounty in 1769. He it was who rejected the native name for the country; “Land of the Long White Cloud” as being too artistic and “girly” and replaced it with the more functional and inaccurate “New Zealand” after a flat piece of Denmark or Holland. He brought with him a rag bag of English, Welsh, Scottish and Hobbit settlers to exploit the new territory’s wealth.

Aboriginal people were discovered living there in the 1960s.

Agriculture is important to the economy. The major exports are butter, lamb and rugby league players.

In characteristically uncreative fashion, the country’s national fruit, animal and rugby team were named all given the same name, after the national fruit – the Ugli fruit.

Tourist visits to New Zealand have increased dramatically in recent years thanks to the abandonment of the “It’s the Wales of the Pacific” advertising campaign. The new adverts featuring the slogan “It’s good for your ‘elf” have attracted many fantasy fiction fans to the islands.

As a partner dance, the Haka , lacks the passion of Argentina’s Tango, the sensuality of Brazil’s Lambada or the sexual expressiveness of Cuba’s Salsa. This may explain why the birth rate in New Zealand is much lower than in these other countries.

One of the most popular, if easy-listening, musical sounds of recent years originated in New Zealand’s capital Hobart. “Crowded” House Music grew out the ashes of punk/ new wave band “Spizz Energi”. Under a number of guises, the Finn brothers (Dorsal and Tail) have had a string of climate-based hits; “Take the weather with you”, “Four seasons in one day” and “Why does it always rain in new Zealand?”

Famous New Zealanders
Chay Guevara, Dame Nelly Melba

Japan

The Fruits of My Research - Japan
Famous in the west for its healthy food, Japan was once a global superpower. The big corporations control everyday life in Japan. Even Japan’s most famous mountain, Mount Fuji, is named after its corporate sponsor, the camera to film conglomerate Fuji.
If a local tells you that Japan has “No Theatre”, don’t believe them. They are probably being modest as the country has a long and noble tradition of theatre.
It is one of only 3 countries to have a pop group named after it; the other two are America and the Rolling Estonians.
It is famous for its Geishas. A Geisha is spout of water gushing from a hot spring into a pool. It is said that time spent amongst Geishas can be very relaxing.
The locals live on a diet of Wasabi, a ferocious industrial cleaner (marketed in Europe under the brand name Cif) and Sushi, highly expensive miniscule portions of rice and seaweed with a vague hint of fish flavouring. This nutrient-rich low fat diet has given Japan the world’s lowest heart disease and obesity rate. One suspects that Sumo wrestlers do not stick rigidly to it.
Whaling, despite being condemned by the civilised world (i.e. the USA), is an immensely popular industry in Japan. Indeed top Japanese pop star Bob Marley often records with whalers to show solidarity.
Famous Japanese People:
Chairman Mao, Charlie Chan, Bruce Lee, Super Mario, Mr Walkman.

I should do your marketing…

I should do your marketing...The Amish people

The Amish people need a website. By not having one they are missing out on a great marketing and revenue generating opportunity. They could use it to chat with other Amish people outside Pennsylvania, download MP3 files of favourite hymns, send emails, share photos and videos and sell souvenirs and religious icons. Call me, I can help.

Canada

The Fruits of My Research - Canada
Famous throughout the world for its resolutely neutral stance towards culinary development, Canada has a rich, short and bloody history. Canadians have been involved in most major global conflicts since 1914. After fighting with great heroism in two World Wars, they now tend to adopt a more pragmatic approach. If there is a fight somewhere in the world, you can guarantee that Canadians will show up at some stage, usually when the worst of the fighting is over and “keep the peace.”
Canada was founded when French settlers invaded and after much fighting established a colony amongst what was left of the indigenous population. Guilt over this sordid chapter led to the capital being named Tonto, after a famous local “Native Canadian.” This mixture of French speaking Canadians and the native “injun” population gave rise to the name “Canajun” being used to describe the language, food and culture of the new nation. To this day the lakes are still called “bayou” and the national anthem is “Jambalay on the bayou” in memory of the Canajun tradition.
Canada has always lived in the shadow of its powerful and more prosperous neighbour, Alaska. Indeed, it only gained independence in 1988 after a long and bloody war against Alaska and its allies on Canada’s southern border. The fight for freedom was led by the charismatic Wayne Gretzky and a bunch of determined street fighters, the so- called “Edmonton Oilers”. They spent the best part of 10 years brawling their way around Canada’s neighbouring states fighting for independence. Eventually their struggle bore fruit and a deal was struck - in exchange for Gretzky and an end to the hostilities, Canada was free.
Whilst the country appears to be a largely peaceful state, it is interesting to note that neighbouring America still retains a vast nuclear deterrent.
Canada used to be the first choice destination for emigrating Britons fleeing the oppression of Margaret Thatcher’s dictatorship. Times have since changed significantly in Britain where the native population is now fleeing George W Bush’s puppet Tony Blair’s dictatorship for Australia where the weather is better and the language isn’t so tricky.
Canada’s national dishes are Moussaka (qv) and fillet gumbo. The national tree is the oak.
The national pastime is hockey, a “sport” that allows very gifted ice skaters the chance to beat the living daylights out of each other without judicial interference.
Famous Canadians
Charles De Gaulle, Eric Cantona, Pepe Le Peu, Greg Rusedski

Musical Expressions

The Fruits of My Research - Musical Expressions
Young musicians often get confused by the Italian expressions at the head of their sheet music that describe the tempo and tell them how to interpret the music. To help new students of music, here are some of the more common ones translated into English:
Andante – Hurry up and finish, the pasta is soft enough to eat now.
Piano – Shhh, we can’t hear the keyboards.
Pianissimo – SSHHHH, we can’t hear the keyboards at all, you heavy handed fool.
Presto – Play it as if you were a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat.